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 07/04/2004, 3:48 PM
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Matty
 
Joined on 29/01/2004
Vancouver Island, Canada
Posts 1,721
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Overheard at the next table of the golf club outdoor restaurant yesterday. ( Truthfully )
Four middle aged to perhaps sixty yr old men together.
" Sorry John, can't make it for Thursday, got to take the Warlord out ". Without turning a hair the chap replied " She should take mine out with her ". All agreed with the last chap who said " Interferes with the bloody game doesn't it ".
One looked over, saw me choking on my fish and chips and said " Afternoon Maam ".
Thinking myself very quick I said " Thank you, thought you might have said Warlord " - this older gentleman, without hesitation, said " But we don't know you, and that English accent tells us you can take it ". " Just love the Brit humour one continued."
Goes to show chaps, it's that English accent that gets em every time.
Matty.
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07/04/2004, 6:15 PM
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Delboy
Joined on 15/08/2003
Posts 5,089
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Keep at it Matty, it your postings stir the old brain box and it brings back the jokes from my working days to mind.
Two members of the golf club were discussing their 'better' halves regarding driving and how the first chap's wife was always complaining about his.
George "Why not get her her own car?"
Tony "She hasn't passed her test and can't drive"
George "Pay for some lessons then"
Tony "Good idea"
Some time later they were playing a round and George remarked that they hadn't played together for a few months.
"Well" said Tony, "I paid for some lesson and she passed first time now she keeps boasting about it and keeps using the car."
George suggested that Tony bought his wife her own car.
"Good idea" was the response, "but only problem is she wants a sports car and I don't know which one to get."
George came up with a few suggestions, Lotus, Ferrari, Porsche, Jaguar etc.
Some months went by and the pair were on the 10th fairway and a hearse drove past whereupon Tony raised his cap.
"Who was that for" asked George
"The wife" said Tony. "Did what you said and bought her a Jaguar"
"Did she die in an a car crash then?"
"No, it bit her head off".
The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .
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08/04/2004, 1:48 PM
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Dek
Joined on 15/08/2003
Norwich
Posts 1,061
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Well ,Well I can only guess that that particular M.P. has not been following Keiths posts on this issue. Ithought that piece of news would have brought a sharp reply from him. but to make anyone in government heed this topic would be like piddling into the wind!
Laugh, and the wife laughs with you. Snore and you`ll sleep alone.
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08/04/2004, 3:59 PM
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Matty
Joined on 29/01/2004
Vancouver Island, Canada
Posts 1,721
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out " Watch the wall " !!
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08/04/2004, 8:43 PM
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grumpy
Joined on 16/02/2004
Posts 85
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Fellow walks into a pub.
"Pint of your best...landlord",
He picks up the mug, throws half the contents down his throat and then proceeds to urinate against the bar.
"What in heavens do you thing you are doing", shouts the landlord.
"Oh, I'm so sorry",proclaims the fellow,"It really is so embarrassing",
"Embarrassing", shouts the landlord,"Clean that mess up and get out of my pub".
"Oh, I really am so sorry, its so embarrassing, I promise not to do it again".
"Ok", replies the landlord, "Clean the mess up and do not let it happen again".
The fellow cleans the mess up and proceeds to throw the remainder of his pint down his throat, whereupon, he proceeds, once again to urinate against the bar.
"RIGHT", bawls the landlord, "Get out...you're barred".
"Oh I'm so embarrassed", replies the fellow........."so embarrassed".
"Never mind about feeling embarrassed", shouts the landlord,"Get out, I suggest you see somebody and get a cure for your problem".
With that, the landlord boots the fellow out of his pub,
About six months later, the fellow saunters into the above pub and asks for a pint of the landlords best.
The landlord recognises the fellow and exclaims, "You're barred, what are you doing back in my pub?",
It's ok, landlord, I did as you advised and I am now cured".
"Are you sure", shouts the landlord,
"Yes", proclaims the fellow, "I have been cured",
"In that case", proclaims the landlord, "You are welcome to a pint".
The fellow proceeds to throw, the contents of the pint, down his throat, whereupon, he proceeds to urinate against the bar.
"I thought you said you were cured", shouts an infuriated landlord,
"Yes", proclaims the fellow.................."I dont feel at all embarrassed.
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09/04/2004, 6:14 PM
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Matty
Joined on 29/01/2004
Vancouver Island, Canada
Posts 1,721
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new apartment. After the grand tour the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for ?" asks one guest.
" Why, that's my talking clock " replied the man.
" Talking Clock ? How does that work ? " says the guest.
" I'll show you," said the chap, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer".
Suddenly a voice from the other side of the wall screamed " For ***** Sake, it's twenty to two in the ******* morning !!! ".
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10/04/2004, 4:15 PM
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Matty
Joined on 29/01/2004
Vancouver Island, Canada
Posts 1,721
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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I sincerely hope the moderator let's this one through, it certainly is not meant to be crude. Having endured the indignity for my health's sake just a few years ago, and being unable to look the chap in the eye I wish I had seen this list before going in. Humour being a wonderful coping skill.!!
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients,
[ predominately male, ] while performing a certain procedure.
1. Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before !
2. Find Amelia Earhart Yet ?
3. Can you hear me NOW?
4. Are you there Yet ? Are you there Yet ? Are you there Yet?
5. You know in Arkansas we're now legally married.
6. Any sign of the trapped miners Chief ?
7. Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity !
8. You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you .
And the best one :-
Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there ?
I noticed that President Bush had to have the procedure and it was made public knowledge according to their rules. The only time I have felt sorry for him. !!
Matty.
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11/04/2004, 11:19 AM
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Budgie
Joined on 16/08/2003
Cromer
Posts 1,059
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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So this little Red Indian boy was persistently asking his mother how he got his name.
Realising that at the age of 30 he should be told the facts of life, his mother decided to explain: 'You see that wigwam on the knoll? When a squaw is ready to give birth she stays there - with the flaps open slightly.
'When she gives birth she generally names the child after the first thing she sees. That is why you have a sister called Running Deer, a brother called Running Water, and another sister called Setting Moon....But why do you ask Two Dogs Humping?'
I might look darf but I ain't stuput!
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11/04/2004, 5:09 PM
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Matty
Joined on 29/01/2004
Vancouver Island, Canada
Posts 1,721
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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< I noticed that President Bush had to have the procedure and it was made public knowledge according to their rules. The only time I have felt sorry for him. !! >
Nothing like replying to your own post !! But on reflection I don't realise why I felt sorry for him. He must admire his Doctor.
He is turning every one of us into a proctologist if we watch any TV when he is campaigning.
Matty.
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11/04/2004, 7:16 PM
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Baconsdozen
Joined on 02/09/2003
Lowestoft
Posts 1,152
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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13/04/2004, 4:33 PM
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Matty
Joined on 29/01/2004
Vancouver Island, Canada
Posts 1,721
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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A man walks into the dentist's office with a toothache, and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocaine and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll go with the gas."
The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks, "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."
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EDP24 Forums » EDP24 General » News » Joke of the day..........
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