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04/06/2008, 5:37 PM Scaramouche Joined on 02/04/2006 obscure Posts 1,181 Re: Joke of the day.......... Anal Hardnasty (well - it's catchy) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I never stole your viagra, but myvotesafloppin    Report

08/06/2008, 9:35 AM Dek Joined on 15/08/2003 Norwich Posts 1,048 Re: Joke of the day..........   TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE.............and I tend to agree   Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official: 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and technological advances. You've seen his progress and the damage he has done.'  The Chief nodded in agreement.  The official continued - Considering these events, in your opinion, "Where did the white man go wrong?"  The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Medicine man free.   Burial plot free.   Ride horse, no need petrol. Indian wedding free, no certificate, food free, reception free, wigwam free.  Indian Women cook, make clothes and talk all day.  Indian Man protect, spend all day hunting and fishing;  all night having much sex. Then the Chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man Dumb enough to think he could improve system like that. Laugh, and the wife laughs with you. Snore and you`ll sleep alone.    Report

16/06/2008, 11:47 PM Monkey Boy Joined on 06/01/2004 The edge of Breckland Posts 782 Re: Joke of the day.......... A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.' Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?' St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.' 'Where's Gordon Brown ' s clock?' asked the man. 'Brown's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.' I'm just a Chimp off the old block    Report

27/06/2008, 2:43 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,593 Re: Joke of the day.......... Chuck Norris is very hard to find: 1. Go to Google 2. In the search box, type: find chuck norris 3. Instead of 'google search', click on 'I'm feeling lucky'. I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk    Report

27/06/2008, 2:51 PM bumpkin Joined on 22/01/2007 Posts 21 Re: Joke of the day.......... Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at is groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'    Report

02/07/2008, 4:25 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,593 Re: Joke of the day.......... How to confuse an idiot http://pit.dirty.ru/dirty/1/2008/06/30/8118-150907-d0988dc4b3e3a52f6a44b437c4a95cf4.jpg I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk    Report

10/07/2008, 7:04 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,593 Re: Joke of the day.......... Recently, a large hospital hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. 'You are all part of our team now,' said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. 'You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees.' The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, 'You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole hospital's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?' The cannibals all shook their heads, 'No.' After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, 'Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?' A hand rose hesitantly. 'You fool!' the leader continued. 'For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something ...' I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk    Report

13/07/2008, 9:09 PM Rupert Joined on 19/11/2007 Posts 613 Re: Joke of the day.......... A few questions for the more intelligent among us.... 1. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented? 2. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 3. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 4. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 5. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 6. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 7. Is Atheism is a non-prophet organization? 8. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, wouldn't that defeat the purpose? 9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 10. What if there were no hypothetical questions? Rupert    Report

15/07/2008, 11:03 AM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,593 Re: Joke of the day.......... This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, & made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too) ______________________________________________________ Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other First Name: ..................................................... Initial: ........ Last Name...................................................... Password: .............................. (max. 8 char) Code Name: ...................................................... Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... 2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /....... /...... 4. Serial Number:............................................... 5. Please indicate where this product was purchased: [_] Received as gift / aid package [_] Catalogue / showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified 6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: [_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one 7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: [_] Style / appearance [_] Speed / manoeuvrability [_] Price / value [_] Comfort / convenience [_] Kickback / bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used: [_] North America [_] Iraq [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe [_] Iraq [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia / Far East [_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq 9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future: [_] Colour TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate all that apply:) [_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? [_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal cheque [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveller's cheque 12. Your occupation: [_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defence Minister / General [_] Retired [_] Student 13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you & your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: [_] Golf [_] Boating / sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running / jogging [_] Propaganda / misinformation [_] Destabilisation / overthrow [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market / smuggling [_] Collectibles / collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation / torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings & special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups & mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION, Marketing Department Military, Aerospace Division. IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above & may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use & may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself & your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you & your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg & egg whites, whisk & place in a warm oven for 40 minutes. I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk    Report

24/07/2008, 9:54 AM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,593 Re: Joke of the day.......... Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the p ower went out!' Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.. Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?' God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES... I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk    Report

04/08/2008, 1:55 AM Monkey Boy Joined on 06/01/2004 The edge of Breckland Posts 782 Re: Joke of the day.......... John Darwin has gone missing again, he was last seen in the prison gym, on the rowing machine. I'm just a Chimp off the old block    Report

04/08/2008, 5:54 PM Monkey Boy Joined on 06/01/2004 The edge of Breckland Posts 782 Re: Joke of the day.......... Question: How do you tell the difference between a UK Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer? Answer: Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, and raises the knife and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?' UK Police Officer's Answer: 1) Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! 2) Does the man look poor or oppressed? 3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? 4) Could we run away? 5) Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? 6) What does the law say about this situation? 7) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? 9) Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? 10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? 11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? 12) Should I call 9-9-9? 13) Why is this street so deserted? 14) We need to raise taxes, have a paint-and-weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour? 15) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away; do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself? 16) If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Australian Officer's Answer: 1) BANG! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- American Officer's Answer: 1) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!!!!!!!!!!! Click. Daughter: “Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?''   I'm just a Chimp off the old block    Report

05/08/2008, 2:47 AM Lionheart Joined on 24/04/2008 Posts 455 Re: Joke of the day.......... Monkey trousers, that would be funny if it wasn't so horribly true.    Report

05/08/2008, 8:50 PM Ernie Joined on 01/08/2008 Posts 121 Re: Joke of the day.......... Dave the Scouser is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar. "Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?" "Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!" Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football. He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?" "Liverpool," came the instantaneous reply. Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?" "Leeds," replied the memory man. Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?" The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1." Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ian St John." Dave is stunned and returns home to Liverpool, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to American and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave. Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue. "How," Dave says. The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."    Report

06/08/2008, 9:09 AM Monkey Boy Joined on 06/01/2004 The edge of Breckland Posts 782 Re: Joke of the day..........  Lionheart wrote: Monkey trousers, that would be funny if it wasn't so horribly true. The name is Monkey Boy,    NOT     Monkey Trousers who is a different person I'm just a Chimp off the old block    Report

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EDP24 Forums » EDP24 General » News » Joke of the day..........

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