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 04/05/2008, 12:37 AM
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JayTee
 
Joined on 15/11/2006
North Walsham
Posts 111
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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School, now and then.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates. 2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students. 1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper. 1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school . 1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area. 2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English. 1960 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college. 2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill. 1960 - Ants die. 2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him. 1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing. 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.
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05/05/2008, 4:44 PM
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Osama Bin Laden
Joined on 07/11/2007
Posts 138
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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What is white and stands out in the middle of a field?
"Greatness sits on my shoulders as a dog urinates on the pavement.....with naturalness and ease and some offence to passersby."
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05/05/2008, 8:59 PM
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Osama Bin Laden
Joined on 07/11/2007
Posts 138
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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 Osama Bin Laden wrote: | What is white and stands out in the middle of a field?
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A fridge.
"Greatness sits on my shoulders as a dog urinates on the pavement.....with naturalness and ease and some offence to passersby."
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06/05/2008, 1:16 AM
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C C
Joined on 21/08/2003
Posts 1,251
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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There is a middle aged chappie who has suffered constantly with a headache for twenty years. Biting the bullet he visits his doctor who refers him to a specialist.
The appointment comes and through gritted teeth the specialist tells the gent he is suffering from an extremely rare condition but not to worry as it is one he can treat. The problem appears to be that the gents testicles are pressing against the base of his spine and are the cause for his constant headache...
To prevent the headaches from happening and relieve the man of his pain they could carry out a trans castration, the removal of the gents testicles. The gent ponders this but decides he can't go on as he is and opts to have the operation.
The operation takes place and was a success but when the gent is discharged he feels a little down as he no longer feels like a real man. As he walks down the street he realises that for the first time in twenty years he doesn't have a headache, he is enjyoing the sunshine which is out. Its wonderful.
With this he ponders over life and thinks more positively that maybe this could be a new start, a new life and beginning. Believing that he can change things around he opts to visit a gents clothing store.
As he enters a tailor stands brass and say 'what is it today sir? Maybe a new suit?'
The gents takes up the offer and the tailor looks him up and down and says 'mmm, trousers I'd say 36' and 44' long?' handing him a pair.
The gent responds, shocked 'how do you know that?
The tailor with a glee smile on his face states 'I'm a tailor son, been in the business 60 years'
As the gent wanders around looking in a mirror at his new trousers the tailor asks if he wishes to try a shirt.
The gent opts to give it ago and the tailor looking him up and down says 'short sleeves and a 16 and a half inch neck for yourself sir?'
The bloke trying on his new shirt is shocked 'how do you know that?'
'Well' says the tailor 'been in the business 60 years'.
As the gent comfortably wanders around in his new clobber the tailor asks if he wishes to try on some new underwear. The bloke accepts the invitation.
The tailor looking him up and down says '36 then sir?'
The gents responds 'aha, I've got you. I've been wearing a 34 for 20 years'.
The tailor responds 'oh no sir, you can't wear a 34. If you were to wear a 34 it'd press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you a headache.'
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29/05/2008, 12:16 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,578
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![Geeked [8-|]](/cs/emoticons/emotion-15.gif)
Re: Joke of the day..........
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A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizzard walks past, looks up and says "Hey koala, what are you doing?"
The koala says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some"
So the little lizzard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizzard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizzard is so stoned and he leans too far over and falls in the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizzard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizzard "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizzard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting
smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then
fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain
forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint,
and he looks up and says "Hey you"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Fuuuu-k dude..........how much water did you drink?"
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk
just a link, like Denise has.
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29/05/2008, 12:22 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,578
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of 'ASYLUM'.
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting
competition: Hijack an airliner and win a council house! We've already
given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes,
courtesy of our sponsor the British Taxpayer.
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British
passport, and you only need one word of English: 'ASYLUM'!.
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting
at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and
accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to
everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner
airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.
No application ever refused reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to
do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:
'ASYLUM'.
Only recently 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were
flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted
where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to
their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.
They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in
hotels all over Britain. Our most popular destinations also include the
White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area In
Historic Bedfordshire.
If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need
to phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to
help. It won't cost you a penny, so play today; it could change your
life forever.
Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil
tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...
COME ON DOWN!
Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to the
ferry terminal. Don't stop in Germany or France. Go straight to
Britain. And you are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of lucky
winners in the softest game on earth.
Roll up, roll up my friends for the game that never ends.
Everyone's a winner, when they play 'ASYLUM'.
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk
just a link, like Denise has.
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29/05/2008, 12:25 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,578
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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How smart is Your Right Foot ? ?
Just try this.. It is from an orthopaedic surgeon....... This will
boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if
you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your
brain!
1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are NUTS.) and
while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer,
lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your
Right Hand. Got that ? Good. Have you noticed anything? Has your foot
changed direction?
I told you so!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I
both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to
try it again, if you've not already done so. 
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk
just a link, like Denise has.
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30/05/2008, 6:38 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,578
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She
began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a
beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just
been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female
doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to
be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of
more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip
with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the
last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her
husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You
went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're
proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive
Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it
will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the
rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now
be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk
just a link, like Denise has.
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31/05/2008, 7:13 PM
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monkeytrousers
Joined on 14/03/2007
Posts 493
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Re: Joke of the day..........
I have just watched the opening 10 mins of Britains Got Talent.
An abysmal parade of tripe intoduced by a collection of talentless toss pots.
The audience looked and behaved as if they were on day release from a lunatic asylum.
The opening child act were so hideous i nearly brought up my tea.
What is going on in this country ?
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03/06/2008, 2:20 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,578
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
(Are you ready for this?)
Sum Ting Wong
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk
just a link, like Denise has.
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04/06/2008, 8:52 AM
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Jim Barley
Joined on 12/04/2006
Norwich
Posts 6
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Update
Viagra is now available in powdered form for you tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance, but it stops your biscuit going soft.
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EDP24 Forums » EDP24 General » News » Re: Joke of the day..........
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