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18/02/2008, 3:27 PM Glass Joined on 14/05/2007 Posts 384 Re: Joke of the day..........  Alan Hardesty wrote: They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport. They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot. They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet. They crossed a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund. The new breed is a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed. They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is Peekasso, an abstract dog. They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel. The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean. They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever. The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers. They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound. The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador. The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly. They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer. The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't really matter. They crossed a Collie and a Malamute. The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work. They crossed a Deerhound and a Terrier. The new breed is a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end. They crossed a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu. The new breed is a spindrift. Not forgetting when they crossed a Sha Pei and a Terrier.  The new breed is a Sharier, a radical dog which bites your hand off if you try and steal its bone, or bites your b*lls if you make advances to it's owner.  Owners should avoid walking it near churches.    Report

18/02/2008, 7:27 PM Dek Joined on 15/08/2003 Norwich Posts 1,027 Re: Joke of the day.......... I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. "The moral of this story is:" "Always keep your condoms in your car." Laugh, and the wife laughs with you. Snore and you`ll sleep alone.    Report

21/02/2008, 4:51 AM JayTee Joined on 15/11/2006 North Walsham Posts 110 Re: Joke of the day.......... A timeless lesson on how Consultants can make a difference for an organization… Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” “Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.” As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed. And I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?” “Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we could save time in the toilet. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the toilet by 76.39 percent.” “After you get it out, how do you put it back?” “Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”    Report

25/02/2008, 5:34 PM JayTee Joined on 15/11/2006 North Walsham Posts 110 Re: Joke of the day.......... Apologies if this is a re-post, can't remember if I've seen it here before or not. George, who lives in deepest rural Norfolk, was going up to bed  when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light  but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all Norfolk patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago   because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them with my shotgun." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the house and caught the burglars red-handed.   One of the Policemen said to George:  "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"    Report

25/02/2008, 6:29 PM Monkey Boy Joined on 06/01/2004 The edge of Breckland Posts 772 Re: Joke of the day.......... A guy was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line." I'm just a Chimp off the old block    Report

25/02/2008, 6:31 PM Monkey Boy Joined on 06/01/2004 The edge of Breckland Posts 772 Re: Joke of the day.......... Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. o when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake . Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday. And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked. I'm just a Chimp off the old block    Report

25/02/2008, 6:37 PM Monkey Boy Joined on 06/01/2004 The edge of Breckland Posts 772 Re: Joke of the day.......... It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen." "How can you be so sure?" the chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy." I'm just a Chimp off the old block    Report

27/02/2008, 10:38 AM JayTee Joined on 15/11/2006 North Walsham Posts 110 Re: Joke of the day.......... Top Ten Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Religion 10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer. 9. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don’t force beer on minors who can’t think for themselves. 6. When you have beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured to death over his brand of beer. 4. You don’t have to wait 2,000+ years for a second beer. 3. There are laws saying that beer labels can’t lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a beer. 1. If you have devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.    Report

27/02/2008, 2:21 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,574 Re: Joke of the day.......... Not a joke but a website.  Hema is a Dutch department store with a very strange webmaster.  Go to the site and just wait a few moments:   http://producten.hema.nl I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk just a link, like Denise has. (Why this line was removed by the mods I have no idea)    Report

02/03/2008, 12:06 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,574 Re: Joke of the day.......... Downing Street, January 2008: Gordon Brown is in deep despair, sitting with his head in his hands. Ed Balls asks what's the matter. GB: "According to the newspapers, every single thing I do is wrong. Not one single good news story in six months. What can I do? EB: "Well, the papers love human interest stories. Particularly stories that are about animals. I'll see what I can rustle up." Ed Ball comes back next day. EB: "Here's a great one. It'll cost quite a lot, but we've found a bloke with an absolutely amazing dog that can actually walk on water. He's willing to sell it to you at a price." Gordon agrees the price, musing ruefully that if only he hadn't sold all those gold reserves, he could have effectively got it for less than a third the price he had to pay. But still, it's only tax-payers' money. Next day they arrange a press conference by the lake in St. James' Park. All the main scribes are there. Gordon takes the dog to the edge of the lake, picks up a stick and throws it about 50 feet across the lake into the water. The dog daintily tiptoes out from the edge on top of the water and walks on top of the water all the way across to the stick and retrieves it without even getting his ankles wet. "Well at least that's got to get us a good write-up", says Ed to Gordon. Next day, they can hardly wait to open the newspapers. And the Daily Mail has the screaming headline: "GORDON BROWN'S DOG CAN'T SWIM" I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk just a link, like Denise has. (Why this line was removed by the mods I have no idea)    Report

06/03/2008, 4:25 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,574 Re: Joke of the day.......... A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at t he casket.... and, (hopefully you're ready for this!!!) The coffin stops! I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk just a link, like Denise has. (Why this line was removed by the mods I have no idea)    Report

07/03/2008, 12:24 AM Chandos Joined on 13/03/2004 Suffolk Posts 652 Re: Joke of the day.......... On moving to a new town a young man discovers his local pub has a joke club which meets in a room above the bar. Intrigued he turns up and is welcomed by the club secretary who shows him around. The room is rife with guffaws, chuckles and roars of laughter from the members busily joking away. One particular table grabs the young man attention. A member shouts out ‘52’ and the gathered company roar with laugher. Another calls ‘135’ and the response from the table is similar.   Seeing the novice’s confusion the secretary explains: ‘these are veteran members who are very familiar with the numbers with which jokes entered into the club archives are listed.   The young man is impressed and decides to give it a try for himself and calls out: ‘19’. Barely a chuckle is raised and a few faces remain impassive. Deflated he looks at the secretary who takes him quietly aside and offers some advice: ‘Don’t worry son, it’s early days yet but just bear in mind – it’s not the joke that is chosen so much as the way it is told’. It was a perfect marriage - she didn't want to, and he couldn't. - Spike Milligan    Report

07/03/2008, 12:25 AM Chandos Joined on 13/03/2004 Suffolk Posts 652 Re: Joke of the day.......... My wife has a speech impediment. Every few minutes she has to pause for breath. It was a perfect marriage - she didn't want to, and he couldn't. - Spike Milligan    Report

08/03/2008, 9:22 AM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,574 Re: Joke of the day..........  A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to The mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment,..... I hear someone coming."  He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm And solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered .. "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.. That was me." I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk just a link, like Denise has. (Why this line was removed by the mods I have no idea)    Report

20/03/2008, 8:52 AM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,574 Re: Joke of the day.......... Just for spinny http://tinyurl.com/2edr I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk just a link, like Denise has. (Why this line was removed by the mods I have no idea)    Report

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