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 27/11/2007, 7:58 PM
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Dek
 
Joined on 15/08/2003
Norwich
Posts 1,061
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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IT v Management
A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady:
'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The woman below replied: 'You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be in IT,' said the balloonist.
'Actually I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at
all. If anything, you've delayed my trip.'
The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f***ing fault...'
Laugh, and the wife laughs with you. Snore and you`ll sleep alone.
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03/12/2007, 3:03 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,651
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
"MIDNIGHT"... He didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo
clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said "oh s***." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf
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03/01/2008, 2:20 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,651
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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The heaviest element known to science has been discovered.
In early October 2007, a major research institution announced the
discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new
element has been named "Eurotium."
Eurotium (Eu) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy
neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass
of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called
"morons" which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called "peons".
Since Eu has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected,
because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A
minute amount of Eu causes one reaction to take over four days to
complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
Eu has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay but instead
undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Eurotium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will
cause more morons to become neutrons, forming "isodopes". This
characteristic of moron promotion leads most scientists to believe
that Eu is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical
Morass".
When catalysed with money, Eu becomes "Administratium" (Am) an element
that radiates just as much energy as Eu, since it has half as many
peons but twice as many morons.
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf
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06/01/2008, 7:45 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,651
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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This may be a repeat but what the heck.
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the
other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him
concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws,
this reply is priceless.
This is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a
female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was
about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going
to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised
on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute,
but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf
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21/01/2008, 9:18 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,651
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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A
young man goes into the Job Center in Kansas City, Kansas and sees a
card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to
learn more.
'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is:
The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and
carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and
gently shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so
that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Wichita, Kansas. That's about 120 miles from here.'
'Oh why, is that where the job's at?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the line is...!!'
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf
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21/01/2008, 9:20 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,651
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've
> been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
> "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?
> His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand
> in
> front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:
> I do not have a headache.
> I do not have a headache.
> I do not have a headache.
> It worked! The headaches are all gone!"
> The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
> His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
> in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
> hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
> The husband agrees to try it.
> Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
> clothes grabs his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
> He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
> He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
> into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
> His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
> The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
> He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
> better than the first time.
> The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
> Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back"
> With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
> This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
> sees
> him standing at the mirror and saying:
> "She's not my wife."
> "She's not my wife."
> "She's not my wife!"
>
> His funeral service will be held on Monday.
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf
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28/01/2008, 4:28 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,651
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour week. Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and still be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an hour and a half for lunch.
One colleague said: "He was, how you say, une workaholique. I have a family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the latest, if I wasn't on strike. But Jerome was
tied to that desk. One day I came back to the office at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat and there he was, fast asleep on the photocopier. At first I assumed he had been having sex with it, but then I remembered he had been working for almost six hours."
Last night a spokesman for Sócíété Générálé denied that Kerviel was overworked, insisting he lost the money after betting that the French were about to stop being rude, lazy, arrogant ********.
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf
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30/01/2008, 6:39 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,651
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Why women are like football pitches...
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offense - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of
Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a
council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.
Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the
tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in
the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, un-turfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however
there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get
hosed down as often as they should.
18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.
21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to
5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off
by continually asking to play up the good end instead.
22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.
23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before
(or at least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may
have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of
a player.
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf
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02/02/2008, 3:44 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,651
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf
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04/02/2008, 10:57 PM
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Monkey Boy
Joined on 06/01/2004
The edge of Breckland
Posts 789
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to h er face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
I'm just a Chimp off the old block
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09/02/2008, 6:22 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,651
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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2012 London....
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame
will be contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the roof
of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one
in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a Police dog will
be released from a cage 10 meters behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish
to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the
most physical damage within three timed attempts.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or
Securicor-style Cash-in-transit guard. The traditional .22 rifle has
been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Mac 10 or Sawn-off
12-bore shotgun.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams,
and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15
pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when
he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed
and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his
first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, arson and generally hanging around.
SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once
one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be
organized.
Please note that the Synchronized Swimming event for this year will
comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the
pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by
"The Verve".
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the Police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London,
especially anyone that appears to be mincing.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized
rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir featuring the So
Solid Crew.
The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon
following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised
hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the
local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the
central heating boiler.
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf
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09/02/2008, 6:36 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,651
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
They crossed a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund. The new breed is a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is Peekasso, an abstract dog.
They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel. The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.
They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever. The new
breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers.
They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound. The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador. The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer. The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't really matter.
They crossed a Collie and a Malamute. The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work.
They crossed a Deerhound and a Terrier. The new breed is a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
They crossed a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu. The new breed is a spindrift.
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf
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14/02/2008, 11:16 PM
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Monkey Boy
Joined on 06/01/2004
The edge of Breckland
Posts 789
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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THE 6 BEST SMART ARSED ANSWERS OF 2007
SMART ARSED ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver 'Got stuck, eh?' The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's' final exam. Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
I'm just a Chimp off the old block
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EDP24 Forums » EDP24 General » News » Re: Joke of the day..........
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