|
|
News
Topic has 696 replies.
  
|
|
Sort Posts:
|
|
|
|
 23/09/2007, 11:35 AM
|
Manuel de Vol
Joined on 01/01/2007
Posts 50
|
Re: Joke of the day..........
|
|
|
|
|
|
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls in to a field of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was looking around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that".
|
|
|
|
|
Report
|
|
|
|
|
23/09/2007, 11:51 AM
|
Manuel de Vol
Joined on 01/01/2007
Posts 50
|
Re: Joke of the day..........
|
|
|
|
|
|
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a £5 ticket for a safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
|
|
|
|
|
Report
|
|
|
|
|
23/09/2007, 11:52 AM
|
Manuel de Vol
Joined on 01/01/2007
Posts 50
|
Re: Joke of the day..........
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,
fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but
Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays Rugby for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say."
|
|
|
|
|
Report
|
|
|
|
|
23/09/2007, 11:54 AM
|
Manuel de Vol
Joined on 01/01/2007
Posts 50
|
Re: Joke of the day..........
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman shouts " Awa ye feel hoor thats full O' coos Sharn" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back "I'm English so speak English. I don't understand you".
The Scotsman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."
|
|
|
|
|
Report
|
|
|
|
|
23/09/2007, 11:59 AM
|
Manuel de Vol
Joined on 01/01/2007
Posts 50
|
Re: Joke of the day..........
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo , (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!bAnd what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason".
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor of Norwich?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The Chief Constable?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the F*****g Pope as a chauffeur!!"
|
|
|
|
|
Report
|
|
|
|
|
24/09/2007, 11:32 AM
|
Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,578
|
Re: Joke of the day..........
|
|
|
|
|
|
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk...vus machts du?" (How're ya doin')
"Yeah, du." (Yeah, you.)
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. Perfect Yiddish.
The proprietor urged him, "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer did. An African Grey cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst sprechen Yiddish?" (What? Can you speak Yiddish?)
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment district. About Florida.
The parrot listened and commented.
They shared some walnuts.
The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his Tfillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tfillin hand made for the parrot.
The parrot wanted to learn to daven (pray), and learned every prayer. He even wanted to learn to read Hebrew.
So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument, so Meyer relented and carried the bird to Shul (Synagogue) on his shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer persuaded them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven (Pray).
Wagers were made with Meyer.
Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everyone is looking at you!"
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars.
He marched home, so upset he said nothing to the parrot.
Finally several blocks from the Temple the Parrot began to sing an old Yiddish song, as happy as a lark.
Meyer stopped and looked at him.
"Why? After I had tfillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? WHY?!? Why did you do this to me?"
"Meyer, don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk
just a link, like Denise has.
|
|
|
|
|
Report
|
|
|
|
|
25/09/2007, 3:05 PM
|
Baconsdozen
 
Joined on 02/09/2003
Lowestoft
Posts 1,090
|
Re: Joke of the day..........
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A man sees a sign on a garden gate.The sign says Talking Dog for sale £50..00p.
He sees a chap standing in the garden and he points to the sign "Whats that all about?" he asks.
"Like it says,talking dog for sale fifty punds.He's out the back in a kennel if you want to have a look".
They both go round the back and he sees a big black dog sitting outside a kemnnel.To humour the dogs owner he asks "Whats your name doggie?"
"Don't give me all that doggie nonsense"replies the dog "why do people talk to dogs and small children like they are simple? My names Rex and I've not always been a family pet,years back I was serving with the CIA then the Royal Military Police,then I got shot and invalided out,I worked as a sniffer dog and then with International Rescue till my joints started playing up,I wanted to be a guide dog but I'm too old to go for training,so I've been stuck here ever since and now he's too old to take me for a walk so I'm up for sale."
"Thats absolutely unbelievable" says the guy "He can talk,just like you said he can."
"Yes" says the dogs owner,"but like he says I'm too old to take him for walks and look after him so he's got to go"
"But why is he so cheap?" asks the guy.
"Because he's a fraud,he never done them any of them things".
Just a load of old tools
|
|
|
|
|
Report
|
|
|
|
|
26/09/2007, 9:51 AM
|
Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,578
|
Re: Joke of the day..........
|
|
|
|
|
|
MORNING SEX
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,
"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,
"Thanks,"
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
"What was that
all about?"
She explained,
"The egg timer's broken."
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk
just a link, like Denise has.
|
|
|
|
|
Report
|
|
|
|
|
26/09/2007, 9:54 AM
|
Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,578
|
Re: Joke of the day..........
|
|
|
|
|
|
Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died
and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good
man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you
can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out
with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yes, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a
road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,
but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions...
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds...
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust...
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than Yours."
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk
just a link, like Denise has.
|
|
|
|
|
Report
|
|
|
|
|
26/09/2007, 9:56 AM
|
Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,578
|
Re: Joke of the day..........
|
|
|
|
|
|
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter
around her feet as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally
retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles
darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigor,
but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles
yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!"
"Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and
Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I
told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh,
bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!"
To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy
man, always a Navy man!"
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk
just a link, like Denise has.
|
|
|
|
|
Report
|
|
|
|
|
02/10/2007, 10:57 AM
|
Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,578
|
Re: Joke of the day..........
|
|
|
|
|
|
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM . The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena. I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles" | |
|
|
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk
just a link, like Denise has.
|
|
|
|
|
Report
|
|
|
|
|
12/10/2007, 10:20 AM
|
Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,578
|
Re: Joke of the day..........
|
|
|
|
|
|
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a
doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk
just a link, like Denise has.
|
|
|
|
|
Report
|
|
|
|
|
25/11/2007, 1:02 PM
|
Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,578
|
Re: Joke of the day..........
|
|
|
|
|
|
Man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance
compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you
a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in
fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you
want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean,
if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine
incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she
might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in
helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk
just a link, like Denise has.
|
|
|
|
|
Report
|
|
|
|
|
EDP24 Forums » EDP24 General » News » Joke of the day..........
|
|
|
|