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14/06/2007, 12:16 AM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,581 Re: Joke of the day.......... What's the worlds most dangerous insect? . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . The Hepatitis Bee. I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk just a link, like Denise has.    Report

15/06/2007, 1:31 AM JayTee Joined on 15/11/2006 North Walsham Posts 111 Re: Joke of the day.......... AN INTERESTING PERSPECTIVE I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table... everywhere. Then some of the birds turned mean: They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud: They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food. After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.   Now lets see... our government gives out benefits, subsidised housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen. Then the illegal's came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small houses are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's primary class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English; you have to hire people based on their ethnicity so your workforce is 'diverse' instead of hiring the best person for the job, food now comes in multilingual boxes; I have to press "one" to hear my bank talk to me in bad English, and people waving flags other than the Union Flag are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.    Report

15/06/2007, 11:02 AM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: Joke of the day.......... Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.  The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.  They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.    They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.    They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.  These were so loud you could hear them before you even  saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a different coloured thong, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said, "Good morning, Father.  Good Morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Kathryn." The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

16/06/2007, 3:49 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,581 Re: Joke of the day.......... The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees a record in the window of a charity shop; "Wasp noises from around the world". Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto his turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused. "I don't recognize any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?" The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track, after a while the world's foremost authority on wasps is still confused; "No, I still don't recognize any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?" The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head. "It's no good. I just don't recognize any of these wasps." The assistant peers at the label of the record and says... ......"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I was playing the bee side." I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk just a link, like Denise has.    Report

16/06/2007, 6:41 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,581 Re: Joke of the day.......... An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You shag her again." I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk just a link, like Denise has.    Report

20/06/2007, 10:28 AM C C Joined on 21/08/2003 Posts 1,259 Re: Joke of the day.......... "I'm glad I'm not bisexual; I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women." Bernard Manning.        Report

21/06/2007, 2:15 PM Baconsdozen Joined on 02/09/2003 Lowestoft Posts 1,090 Re: Joke of the day.......... New council web site.Check out the glamorous councillor competition. http://www.waveneycouncil.co.uk//index.html Just a load of old tools    Report

21/06/2007, 3:08 PM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: Joke of the day..........   A snail was employed to race for Ferrari but because he was a snail he wasn't allowed a number on his car so instead used the letter 'S' At his first Grand Prix the snail was very good,.   The moment he went quickest in qualifying James Allen screamed out "Just look at that Ess-Car Go!" The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

23/06/2007, 12:18 AM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,581 Re: Joke of the day.......... A man with a bald head and a wooden leg was invited to a fancy dress party, and he didn't know what to wear to hide his bald head and his wooden leg, so he wrote to a Fancy Dress Company to explain his problem and ask for advice. A few days later he received a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover you bald head and with your wooden leg, you will be just right to go as a pirate." The man thought that this was terrible because they had only emphasized his disability, so he wrote a letter of complaint. A week passed and he received another parcel and a note: "Dear Sir Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will really look the part." By now the man was really furious because the Company had gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he wrote a really rude letter of complaint back to the Company. A few days later, he got a very small parcel from the Company with the accompanying letter: "Dear Sir Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a f***ing toffee apple." I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk just a link, like Denise has.    Report

01/07/2007, 11:52 AM Monkey Boy Joined on 06/01/2004 The edge of Breckland Posts 782 Re: Joke of the day.......... There is a man with a parrot, and the parrot swears like a sailor. The parrot can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the man who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the man grabs the parrot by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "Quit it!" This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the man gets mad and says "OK for you," and locks the bird in the kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the man finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the man is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses more vulgar words, then suddenly, it gets very quiet. At first the man just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he is so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astonished. He can't understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?" I'm just a Chimp off the old block    Report

06/08/2007, 12:35 PM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: Joke of the day..........   While on his walk this morning, Ex Prime Minister Tony Blair falls over,  has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward at his  nearest hospital has just been closed. His soul arrives in Heaven and he  is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there  is a problem. We seldom see a politician around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the Ex PM. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says  that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to  spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where  you'll live for eternity."   "But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Blair.   "I'm sorry ... but we have our rules and bureaucracy. " Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ... all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.   The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 21degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it are MPs from all the years of the Great British democracy. There are luminaries who had helped Blair over the years. The whole set of the Party leaders from the past were there, everyone laughing,  happy, and casually but expensively, dressed.   They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they  had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a  friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.   The Devil himself comes up to Blair with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Tony!"   "Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Blair, dejectedly.   "This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!" Tony takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, like the ones he and Hewitt pulled with the NHS and with Kelly on Education.   They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Blair steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him.   "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.   So for 24 hours Blair is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or egotistical  remark among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes  great, it's not caviar or lobster. Surprisingly these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!   "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Mandleson never prepared me for this!" The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity. With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Blair reflects for a minute ... then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a concrete jungle covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, kind of  like the eroded, infested areas that Prescott created in the South East > housing blight.   He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces andhands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Blair and puts an arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked Tony, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!" The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were Campaigning; today you voted for us!" The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

30/08/2007, 4:10 PM Norfolk Lass Joined on 18/08/2006 Posts 5 Re: Joke of the day.......... "Bad news, Mrs Jones," a doctor tells an elderly lady over the phone, "we sent your husband's test sample to the lab yesterday but a specimen from another Mr Jones arrived at the same time and they got mixed up. I'm sorry, although I have to say, both results are not good."   "What do you mean?" asks the lady.  "One specimen tested positive for dementia and the other for a serious STD. We'll test him again but there's a six month waiting list," the doctor replied.    "What do I do with him until then?" the lady asked. "Well," replied the doctor, "drop him off in the middle of some strange countryside. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."    Report

20/09/2007, 2:16 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,581 Re: Joke of the day.......... Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Lubbock , Texas , while awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Houston for a livestock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Texas Tech University from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair; crosses his boots on a magazine table; and tips his big, sweat-stained hat forward over his face. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here, my people were many ....... but sadly, now we are few. 'The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?' The West Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth.....and from the darkness beneath his Stetson, says in a drawl, 'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet ........ but I do believe it's a-comin'! ' I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk just a link, like Denise has.    Report

23/09/2007, 11:33 AM Manuel de Vol Joined on 01/01/2007 Posts 50 Re: Joke of the day.......... Frank, on a visit to Texas from the UK, is asked to be guest judge at a chilli cook-off contest. He is promised free beer and a promise from the other two native Texan judges that the chilli would not be all that spicy. Here are the score cards from the contest (Frank is judge 3) Chilli #1 - Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild! Judge # 3 - (Frank) Holy Sh**, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chilli # 2 - Arthur's Afterburner Chilli Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I have to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chilli # 3 - Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 - A bean-less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite! Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh**-faced from all of the beer. Chilli # 4 - Bubba's Black Magic Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli. Judge # 3 - I felt something sliding across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb woman is starting to look HOT! ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac? Chilli # 5 - Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chilli # 6 - Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. Chilli # 7 - Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. ** I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like sh** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.    Report

23/09/2007, 11:34 AM Manuel de Vol Joined on 01/01/2007 Posts 50 Re: Joke of the day.......... A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."    Report

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