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24/04/2007, 10:50 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: Joke of the day.......... A gaggle of Short Jokes from America.   2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown   3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey   4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy   5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry   6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger   7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone   8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh" --Conan O'Brien   9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery   10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni   11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson   12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez   13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld   14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson   15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde   16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."                                --Mark Twain   17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan ." --A. Whitney Brown   18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry   19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased   20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer." - W. C. Fields   And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English?    Report

01/05/2007, 10:52 AM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: Joke of the day.......... for computer nerds IT Helpdesk episodes: unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!! .............................................................................. Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... ..............................................................................    Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?  Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.  Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.  Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my  desk... sorry.... ..............................................................................    Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.   Customer: Your left or my left? ..............................................................................   Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?  Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill  Gates. ..............................................................................   Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time  try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... ..............................................................................   Customer: I have problems printing in red...  Tech support: Do you have a color printer?  Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. ..............................................................................   Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me from Bluewater. ..............................................................................   Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer:! OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... ..............................................................................   Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ? ..............................................................................   Customer: can't get on the Internet.  Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?  Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.  Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. ..............................................................................   Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. ..............................................................................   Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. ..............................................................................   Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? ..............................................................................   A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine." ..............................................................................   And last but not least... Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

01/05/2007, 12:15 PM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: Joke of the day.......... After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain 's MI-6 for help. Within a minute, MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down." The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

03/05/2007, 10:17 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,651 Re: Joke of the day.......... A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk." This time the woman turned on him, "What the **** do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Ryanair!!!  I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf    Report

06/05/2007, 6:36 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: Joke of the day.......... The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM  and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and see  why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. However, chaps you now have a bit more knowlege for your arsenal.  And it can work in the reverse.    Report

06/05/2007, 9:39 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: Joke of the day.......... And just for the mysogenists out there. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece    Report

08/05/2007, 6:57 PM nevermind Joined on 29/09/2003 Posts 2,412 Re: Joke of the day.......... An elderly lady phones 999, her voice is in tatters,' officer, i just got into my car and they've stolen my stereo, they undone the steering wheel, even the accelerator is gone, please help me, I have to get to the doctor how am I gonna cope.?' 'Don't worry madam,' said the operator,' we'll send an officer straight over in minutes.' two minutes later the call from the officer comes back to the central:' officer 34 here, just arrived at the Lady's car, be back soon, she's gotten into the backseat.' nevermind    Report

10/05/2007, 3:41 AM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: Joke of the day.......... Especially for Monkey Boy, who enjoys the Darwinian Award type Jokes. Today on every British Columbia TV station. A phone call to the local news station said that a car was in the water at a boat ramp.  News crew was duly dispatched.  There was indeed a car in the water, , (and very nice it was too with lovely wire wheels), no boat attached.. A man is washing the car roof, in the water.  A woman on shore, calls " get out from there it's sinking".  Sure enough it disappered under the water.   Took the fire department, and the Saanich Bay research & Rescue, plus the environmental folks about five hours to locate it and drag it up to shore. The gentleman, who was not drunk, or on drugs, very good English, tells the reporter, he saw the water and thought he would give his car a clean up.  He backed in but could not drive out when it started to move with the wave motion, and the wheels had lost their traction. When asked the French Quebec chap explains, "in Quebec many folks drive their vehicles into lakes to clean them."  The reporter explained it was the Pacific Ocean he was using.  Quebec has loads of lakes.  Problem is they are fresh water and have little wave action.  He later said to the reporter -" well she is clean now, inside and out - and she did sink gracefully.  I guess we all make mistakes".  Everyone we saw there including the folks who dragged it up were shaking their heads and laughing. And they say the Neewfies are funny.  !!!    Report

12/05/2007, 1:21 AM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,651 Re: Joke of the day.......... A major earthquake measuring 4.8 on the Richter scale hit Kent with its epicenter in Folkestone. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £ 30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Invicta FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Folkestone. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots or any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of White Lightning or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys BandH and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. **Breaking news** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop which they, at first, thought was blood. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?" Please don't forward this to anyone living in Kent- oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway! I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf    Report

17/05/2007, 10:48 AM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: Joke of the day.......... A "Newfie" for Matty A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars..." she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the Newfoundlander answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know. "Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face." The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

25/05/2007, 2:09 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,651 Re: Joke of the day.......... Two young mums on the bus.  One says to the other "Is Winston teevin' yet?" "Yes" says the second mum, "Today he got me a DVD, 2 mobile phones and a laptop" I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf    Report

27/05/2007, 10:44 PM Hoppladee Joined on 16/04/2005 Posts 551 Re: Joke of the day.......... A little boy goes to his dad and asks,  "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of  your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about  that and see if it makes sense."   So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night,! he hears baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.  So the little boy goes into his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.  Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.   "The dad says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."   The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep  poo poo    Report

31/05/2007, 6:53 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: Joke of the day.......... And anbther political one. The Govt. announces it is changing it's National Symbol to a condom because it more accurately reflects the govt's political stance.   A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives a sense of security while you are actually being screwed. Damn, it doesn't get more accurate than that !!!    Report

04/06/2007, 11:03 AM Norfolk Lass Joined on 18/08/2006 Posts 5 Re: Joke of the day.......... A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London. Pointing out the famous White Tower of London, the cabbie told him what it was and that construction began in 1078 and ended in 1087. "Pah!" said the Texan, "a little tower like that? In Houston we'd have that up in a year." Next they passed the Houses of Parliament, started in 1834, finished in 1852. "We put a bigger building than that up in Dallas and it only took a month!" boasted the tourist. As they passed Westminster Abbey the fuming cab driver remained silent. "Whoah! What's that?" asked the Texan. "Dunno," replied the cabbie, "It wasn't there yesterday." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On the way to a gig, a juggler is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the officer. "I use them in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful copper, "show me then." So the juggler gets out of his car and starts tossing and catching the deadly blades. "My God!" says a passing driver to his passenger, "I'm glad I quit drinking and driving. Look at the test they're giving you now."          Report

13/06/2007, 11:47 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,651 Re: Joke of the day.......... This may be a repeat, apologies if it is. They Grow Them Big in Texas A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 15 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 15 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. Like I said,  "My boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 15 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So... How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "11 pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 15 pounds the day he was born! The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised" I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf    Report

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