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24/02/2007, 5:23 PM Monkey Boy Joined on 06/01/2004 The edge of Breckland Posts 789 Re: Joke of the day.......... Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur? A: Megasorearse Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A: Lickalotopuss I'm just a Chimp off the old block    Report

05/03/2007, 11:26 AM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: Joke of the day.......... The old priest lay dying in the hospital.  For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.  He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see George Bush and Tony Blair before I die." whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.  Soon the word arrived.  Bush and Blair would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Bush commented to Blair "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Blair couldn't help but agree. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Bush's hand in his right hand and Blair's hand in his left.  There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Bush spoke.  "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?" The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ." Amen" said Bush. "Amen" said Blair. The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves.  I would like to do the same." The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

09/03/2007, 3:38 PM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: Joke of the day.......... Can't remember if this one has been posted before as it's fairly ancient but I don't think a reprise is inappropriate   Subject: Tony and John's big day out.... Tony Blair called John Prescott into his office one day and  said, ' John I Have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'  'Great idea Tony how will we go about it?' said Prescott 'Well' said Blair, 'we'll get ourselves one of those long  Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador . Then we'll  really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other or one of those villages and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside.' 'Right Oh' said Prescott So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite  Labrador at heel,  they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at  just the place they were looking for (Much Piddling-in-the-Brook) and found a lovely country pub (The Surly Yokel) and with the dog, went in and up to the bar.'Good evening Landlord may we have two pints of your best ale, from the wood?' said Blair. 'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, ' two pints of best it is,coming up'. Blair and Prescott stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador , lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next half hour or so several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Blair and Prescott could stand it no longer and called the Barman over. 'Tell me,' said Blair, ' why did all those old shepherds & locals come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it a local  custom?' 'Good Lord no,' said the barman. 'It's just that someone went and told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes' The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

11/03/2007, 10:28 AM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,653 Re: Joke of the day.......... I think I may have found KG in his formative years! http://www.twango.com/media/allan.public/allan.10687 I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf    Report

11/03/2007, 11:29 AM keith gerrard Joined on 16/04/2004 Posts 11,324 Re: Joke of the day.......... Trying to divert the threads away from factory farming Alan? You should get in touch with them, you might get a bonus. Free virus at Christmas. Dream on keithgerrard@gerrard24.freeserve.co.uk    Report

11/03/2007, 1:28 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,653 Re: Joke of the day..........  keith gerrard wrote: Trying to divert the threads away from factory farming Alan? You should get in touch with them, you might get a bonus. Free virus at Christmas. No Keith, this is a joke thread - you can tell by the title.  Get a life. I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf    Report

11/03/2007, 2:39 PM keith gerrard Joined on 16/04/2004 Posts 11,324 Re: Joke of the day.......... No Alan, you should learn what a joke is first. It might take you a while of course. Then suddenly it will register. You are the joke. Dream on keithgerrard@gerrard24.freeserve.co.uk    Report

15/03/2007, 9:37 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: Joke of the day.......... B.C. in Canada is very protective of spotted owls and  old growth trees.            Only on Vancouver Island !!!!        A woman from Vancouver Island, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland.  There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.        She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.  As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.  In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch .        In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.  She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.  The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.        She waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.        The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"        He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Ministry, the Forest Service and the Ministry of Land and Water Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."    Report

16/03/2007, 10:11 AM Baconsdozen Joined on 02/09/2003 Lowestoft Posts 1,168 Re: Joke of the day.......... Coucillors are like nappies,they shoild be changed often,and for the same reasons. Lowestoft and the magic sea    Report

16/03/2007, 1:06 PM Derek Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 1,876 Re: Joke of the day.......... Q: What flies round streetlamps in cities at night? A: An urban moth Derek snafu - but by design    Report

16/03/2007, 1:41 PM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: Joke of the day.......... My Dear  Wife, You will surely  understand that I have certain needs that  you, being  54 years old, can no longer  satisfy.  I am very happy with you  and I  value you as a good  wife.  Therefore, after reading this letter, I  hope  that you will not wrongly  interpret the fact that I will be spending  the evening with my 18 year  old secretary at the Comfort Inn  Hotel. Please don't be upset -  I shall be home before midnight." When the man came home late that night, he found the following  letter on the dining room  table.  "My Dear  Husband, I received  your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being  54 years old.  I would  like to take this opportunity to remind you that  you are also 54 years  old.  As you know, I am a math's  teacher at  our  local college.  I would  like to inform you that while you read this, I will  be at the Hotel Fiesta with  Michael, one of my students, who is  also  the assistant tennis  coach. He is young, virile,  and like your secretary, is 18 years  old. As a successful  businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math's,  you will understand that we  are in the same situation, although with  one small  difference  - 18 goes  into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into  18.  Therefore, I will  not be home until sometime tomorrow." The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

08/04/2007, 12:51 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,653 Re: Joke of the day.......... Is this the best comedy sketch ever? http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibjab/id/616805/jokeid/136138 If it does not work it is the "Who's on First" Abbot and Costello one. I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf    Report

08/04/2007, 8:57 PM Haunted Weekend Joined on 21/02/2005 Norfolk. UK Posts 124 Re: Joke of the day..........  Alan Hardesty wrote: Is this the best comedy sketch ever? http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibjab/id/616805/jokeid/136138 If it does not work it is the "Who's on First" Abbot and Costello one.   I have it already, and in my opinion Alan yes, a superb piece of banter. Makes me laugh each time I watch it. Haunted Weekend Paranormal Investigations in Haunted Hotels and Castles hauntedweekend.com    Report

21/04/2007, 5:37 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: Joke of the day.......... A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HANDJOB: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a group of local farmers. 'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?' 'I was wondering,' whispers the biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?' 'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.' The old biker replies, 'Well ... wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger    Report

24/04/2007, 5:45 AM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: Joke of the day.......... A Canadian visited the Senate cafeteria, just a while back.  Behind her in the Queue was a woman who looked like Ann Coulter of Fox News. The Canadian lady said she was ordering a serving of French Fries, only to be told they were now called Freedom Fries ( It appears that the French had annoyed the Americans by not voting to go to war in  Iraq). So she then thinks of ordering  French Toast, no such thing etc, now called Patriot Toast. The list went on through French Onion Soup becoming Stars and Stripes Soup, Perrier becoming Pure American water etc.. Thinkng she was going to at last score a point against this obnoxious woman, she says " Well what do you call a French Tickler ",  again the American  immediately replied " Rockets Red Glare - Incoming".  She decided that enough was enough and started to retreat.  The Ann Coulter look alike, shouted out " You Canadians have a lot of French up there in Igloo land too don't you.  And your lot don't want to fight with us either.  " The Canadian at last felt better and retorted,   " We have already fought you twice.  Granted the Quebec French Indians beat you first,  but later in 1812  we managed it again. After all we're still there..  The American just replied " Keep your shirt on, we're only taking a break between wars".        Report

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