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 17/12/2006, 2:12 PM
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keith gerrard
 
Joined on 16/04/2004
Posts 11,751
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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You just cost me£2.50 for a box of beansprouts Matty.
I told the last joke to a Chinese friend of mine, who I have known since we met years ago in Hong Kong.
He owns a Chinese restaurant near me.
He laughed so much he dropped half my order.
Guess what he said when I asked for my order to be replaced?
Dream on keithgerrard@gerrard24.freeserve.co.uk
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17/12/2006, 2:46 PM
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Haunted Weekend
Joined on 21/02/2005
Norfolk. UK
Posts 124
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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That's funny, re-read a few times and still laugh.
A little psychic humour:
Psychic Society Conference
1200 people attended the recent International Psychic Society conference.
Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?"
(Over 80% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?"
(58% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?"
(23% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?"
(3% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?"
(After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)
Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?"
Attendee: "I am from Australia."
Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"
Attendee: "Oh sorry! I thought you said goat."
Justin and Christian, two prawns, were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten" As Justin had his mind firmly set on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin realizes that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back, so lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he sets off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again" Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian."
Haunted Weekend
Paranormal Investigations in Haunted Hotels and Castles
hauntedweekend.com
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18/12/2006, 11:46 PM
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Chandos
Joined on 13/03/2004
Suffolk
Posts 674
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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All recent jokes good. Alan's Canadian one got me right where it hurts.
Two old Louisiana fiddle players are pondering heaven one day.
`Ain't goin' if there's no music', asserts one.
`Me neither bro', agrees his pal.
They agree a pact that whoever goes first will report back, after a couple of weeks or so. Well one old musician passes away and after a couple of weeks, manages to blag a one hour pass from St Peter.
Reuniting with his friend he announces some good news and some bad.
`Give me the good first, any music?' `Music, music, all the time. Every night a big dance party. All the old boys are there. Fats Waller, Charlie Parker, Janis Joplin, Elvis, Bix Biederbeck, Buddy Holly, Satchmo, everyone. Jazz, rock, blues, country, every night. We havin' a great time'.
Buoyed by the good news the surviving pal asks after the bad news.
`Well bro, you been booked to play in the band tomorrow night'.
Not all conservatives are stupid people, but most stupid people are conservatives - John Stuart Mill
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19/12/2006, 10:25 AM
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Delboy
Joined on 15/08/2003
Posts 5,089
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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29/12/2006, 4:10 AM
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Matty
Joined on 29/01/2004
Vancouver Island, Canada
Posts 1,789
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Not sure if we have had this one before but it sure makes me smile.
Little Boy And His Boots
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping
one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still
didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on,
she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough,
they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than
it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on, this time
on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she
mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle
the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your
mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
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05/01/2007, 7:27 PM
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Matty
Joined on 29/01/2004
Vancouver Island, Canada
Posts 1,789
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she
married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride
crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her
husband's clothes and accidentally let out a great deal of wind.
She looked up and said:
"Aww so sowwy...excuse please, front so happy back laugh
out loud."
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06/01/2007, 8:25 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,682
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat
down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf
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06/01/2007, 8:29 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,682
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Engineers Definition of Hell.
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of
the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when
it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in
the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member
of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they
are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, " and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must
be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf
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06/01/2007, 8:36 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,682
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Morris chats up two women in a bar who happen to be Siamese
twins. Before long they wind up back at his apartment. He makes
love to one, and then turns to the other. Morris realizes the
first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd
like to do.
"Is that a trombone in the comer? I love to play the trombone" So
she plays it while Morris makes love to her sister.
A few weeks later, the Siamese twins are walking past Morris's
apartment building.
One of the girls says, "Let's go up and say hello to that guy."
The other girl says, "Gee, do you think he'll remember us?"
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf
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14/01/2007, 3:58 AM
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Matty
Joined on 29/01/2004
Vancouver Island, Canada
Posts 1,789
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Another Newfie joke
The Newfie painter, George, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
His fame grew, and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Gander for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked George if he would paint
her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object;
she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, George asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred
with his missus.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Would be me pleasure, ma'am. Missus says it's okay. ..
I'll paint ya in da nude, but I has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes...."
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17/01/2007, 11:32 PM
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Matty
Joined on 29/01/2004
Vancouver Island, Canada
Posts 1,789
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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As a grandmother I liked this one.
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother".
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20/01/2007, 12:17 AM
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Monkey Boy
Joined on 06/01/2004
The edge of Breckland
Posts 790
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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SAVE THE PLANET from the global warming problem.........
Eat 5 Greens a day ![Big Smile [:D]](/cs/emoticons/emotion-2.gif)
Think of it on the political front if it needs explaining...... well I thought it funny
I'm just a Chimp off the old block
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29/01/2007, 6:19 PM
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Monkey Boy
Joined on 06/01/2004
The edge of Breckland
Posts 790
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She is going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf
in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."
I'm just a Chimp off the old block
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EDP24 Forums » EDP24 General » News » Joke of the day..........
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