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14/08/2006, 8:50 PM Denise Joined on 05/01/2006 near Great Yarmouth Posts 540 Re: Joke of the day June and Kim were two young women who had lived together for years, but June had never admitted to her family that she was gay. One Sunday June's mother came for dinner, and as she watched the girls setting things out she became more and more suspicious that June and Kim were lovers. Watching the suspicion grow on her mother's face, June suddenly blurted out: "I know what you're thinking, Mother, and you're quite wrong. We're just two friends sharing a house. We have seperate bedrooms, you know!" Some days went by, when Kim told June that the cruet set had disappeared on the same Sunday her mother had come to dinner. The two girls hunted high and low for the cruet set, just to be sure, but came to the conclusion that June's mother must have made off with it. And so June telephoned her mother. "Look, Mother," she said, "I'm not saying you did take our cruet set, and I'm not saying you didn't take our cruet set, but there's no getting around the fact that it's been missing ever since you came to Sunday dinner." "Well," returned the mother, "I'm not saying that you do sleep with Kim, and I'm not saying you don't sleep with Kim, but there's no getting around the fact that if she slept in her own bed she would have found the cruet set by now." Unity News / Norfolk Unity    Report

21/08/2006, 9:27 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: Joke of the day Subject:  Senior Humor  Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to  feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.  One day  Bill didn't show up.  Sam didn't think much about it figured maybe he had a  cold or some such.  But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam really got  worried.  However, since the only time they ever got together  was at  the  park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable  to find  out what  had happened to him.  A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill but  one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill!  Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then  he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you???"  Bill replied, "I have been in jail."  "Jail???," cried Sam!!  "What in  the world for???"  "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress  at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"  "Yeah" said Sam, I remember her.  What about her?"  "Well one day she charged me with rape and I was so proud that  when I got into court, I pled "guilty" and the judge gave me 30 days for  perjury." Matty    Report

22/08/2006, 8:00 PM Dek Joined on 15/08/2003 Norwich Posts 1,061 Re: Joke of the day Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"   Laugh, and the wife laughs with you. Snore and you`ll sleep alone.    Report

25/08/2006, 11:58 AM mauther Joined on 21/08/2006 twixt yarmouth and norwich Posts 11 Re: Joke of the day For all those men who say, "Why buy the milk when you can get it for free" Here's an update for you... Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realise that it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage    Report

25/08/2006, 12:02 PM mauther Joined on 21/08/2006 twixt yarmouth and norwich Posts 11 Re: Joke of the day   I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it,  with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.      Report

27/08/2006, 12:38 PM C C Joined on 21/08/2003 Posts 1,321 Re: Joke of the day.......... Thought I’d better drop this shamefully stolen story in the Joke thread.   THE SQUIRREL & THE GRASSHOPPER REST OF THE WORLD VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the Summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE END THE UK VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come Winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The UK press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of UK demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Gordon Brown rants in an interview with Jeremy Paxman that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and Ken increases the charge for squirrels to enter London city centre. In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to UK as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of the English apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards. A Newsnight special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrels's' food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness". The cats seek recompense in the UK courts for their treatment since arrival in UK. The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching UK’s multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats. The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in UK. The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds. THE END    Report

27/08/2006, 2:37 PM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: Joke of the day.......... C C the problem is that that tale is too near the truth. The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

27/08/2006, 3:21 PM Monkey Boy Joined on 06/01/2004 The edge of Breckland Posts 789 Re: Joke of the day.......... Hey CC, was going to copy & pate that onto Pistonheads, but I see that's where it probably came from to start with.  Nice one though. I'm just a Chimp off the old block    Report

27/08/2006, 3:56 PM C C Joined on 21/08/2003 Posts 1,321 Re: Joke of the day..........  Monkey Boy wrote: Hey CC, was going to copy & pate that onto Pistonheads, but I see that's where it probably came from to start with.  Nice one though. Yep I couldn’t resist nicking it.        Report

28/08/2006, 8:55 AM mauther Joined on 21/08/2006 twixt yarmouth and norwich Posts 11 Re: Joke of the day.......... Two ladies were sitting on rocking chairs in their retirement home. One asked, "Do you still ever get horny?" "Oh, yes!" was the reply. "What do you do about it?" asked the first. "I suck on a lifesaver." was the reply. The first lady sat there for a long while pondering the answer. Finally she couldn't stand it any longer, and asked, "Who drives you to the beach?"    Report

28/08/2006, 5:19 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: Joke of the day.......... Two for one this time. Why is divorce so darn expensive ? -  'cause it's worth it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When you feed Viagra to politicians they just get taller. Matty    Report

29/08/2006, 7:32 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,653 Re: Joke of the day.......... Courtesy of a letter to the times: Why is phonetic not spelled with an f? I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf    Report

03/09/2006, 1:04 PM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: Joke of the day.......... Nice one from the States http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1047157044159649860&q=genre%3Acomedy The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

03/09/2006, 5:54 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,653 Re: Joke of the day.......... Tony Blair called Gordon Brown into his office one day and said, 'Gordon I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'. 'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Brown. 'Well' said Blair ' we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies' a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside' 'Right PM' said Brown. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar. 'Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the wood' said Blair. 'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'. Blair and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five shepherds came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Blair and Brown could stand it no longer and called the barman over. 'Tell me' said Blair, ' why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?' 'Good Lord no,' said the barman. 'It’s just that someone went in and told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two a***holes'! I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf    Report

04/09/2006, 10:01 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: Joke of the day.......... Subject: advantages of breast milk The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers.    Report

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