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 02/07/2006, 6:55 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,653
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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How to start your week with a positive attitude:
1. Create a "new folder" on your computer.
2. Name it "George W. Bush".
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your computer will ask you: "Do you really want to delete "George W. Bush"?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes", and press the mouse button firmly...
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf
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02/07/2006, 7:09 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,653
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea
Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf
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02/07/2006, 7:43 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,653
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Re: A few new phrases ....
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One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he
noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he
asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man
replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said
excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them
along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir,
I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them
as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task,
even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows
expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking
all of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass
at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf
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05/07/2006, 11:08 PM
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Monkey Boy
 
Joined on 06/01/2004
The edge of Breckland
Posts 789
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Saddam Hussein has been found guilty of genocide and sentenced to death.
His final request was to be allowed to choose his own firing squad.
He's chosen Lampard, Gerrard and Caragher from 12 yards
I'm just a Chimp off the old block
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05/07/2006, 11:16 PM
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Monkey Boy
Joined on 06/01/2004
The edge of Breckland
Posts 789
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Re: Joke of the day..........another football one
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What I did on my summer holiday
By Theo Walcott Esq aged 8½
I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown ups. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does live there, and the grown ups say I can't talk about the bad man as it will make Uncle Owen cry if I do. In Germany there are lots of castles and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's a silly name, Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.
On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.
Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol says uncle David wears dresses and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me some pop.
In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my granddad says we beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time ago.
While the grown ups went to play football I went shopping with Auntie Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play with Brooklyn. She say's she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of her songs, I think she was telling fibs.
I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundreds & thousands on it.
All the other grown ups have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy, that's why I got taken on holiday.
The grown ups went to play Football against somebody called Sweden, Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books, he is rubbish at football though.
Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of out holiday but it got better so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while we are here, they are too tight for me.
All the grown ups started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood on somebody's spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his pocket, I think
I'm just a Chimp off the old block
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15/07/2006, 10:12 AM
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Delboy
Joined on 15/08/2003
Posts 5,089
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Re: Joke of the day..........on marriage
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .
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16/07/2006, 10:36 AM
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Lector
Joined on 13/06/2005
North West Norfolk
Posts 157
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Re: Joke of the day..........on marriage
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Purely and respectfully for Alan, (and the other ex cop)
You Might Be a Cop if:
You have the bladder capacity of five people.
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
You believe that 25% of people are a waste of space.
Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
You call for a criminal check on anyone who is remotely friendly to you.
Discussing dismemberment over dinner seems perfectly normal to you.
You find humour in other peoples stupidity.
You have your weekends off planned for a year.
You believe that shallow gene pool should be grounds for arrest.
You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it sure is quiet around here".
Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track.
You believe chocolate is a food group.
Having a beer at 7am seems relaxing.
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar called "Suicide, getting it right the first time".
You believe "Too stupid to Live" should be a valid court outcome.
You have ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.
You have heard the Sergeant muttering down the hall, "Who is in charge of this mess anyway?"
When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to a food group.
You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
Your prisoner states "I have no idea how I got here" - and neither have you.
It occurs to you suddenly one night that you are policing the twilight zone.
Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
You believe in aerial spraying of prozac.
You nodded and laughed at all of the above, and realized what a sick bunch we all are.
Regards, Lector. another ex cop.
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20/07/2006, 10:02 AM
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Delboy
Joined on 15/08/2003
Posts 5,089
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Re: Joke of the day..........on marriage
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Rocking the Boat
And in the year 2005, the Lord came again unto Noah and said, “The earth has become wicked and over populated. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing. In six months the rains will come.”
Six month later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.
“Noah!” he roared, “I’m about to start the rain. Where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord”, begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed planning permission and I’ve had problems with fire regulations.
“The neighbours complained about me building the Ark in my garden and took me to court. Then the Department of Transport sent a letter about weight limits on motorways to the sea. I told them the sea would be coming to us but they wouldn’t hear of it.
“Getting the wood was another problem. The Environmental Lobby blocked all tree felling in the local area because of a colony of bats. And they insisted on an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
“When I started collecting two of everything, an Animal Rights Group sued me for confining wild animals against their will. They argued that the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
“I’m still trying to resolve with the Human Rights Commission how many ethnic minorities I should include in the project and the police keep doing spot checks to look for illegal immigrants.
“So forgive me, Lord, but it would take ten years for me to finish this Ark.”
Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and said, “Do you mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No”, sighed the Lord, “the government has beaten me to it.”
The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .
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26/07/2006, 2:56 PM
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Delboy
Joined on 15/08/2003
Posts 5,089
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Re: Joke of the day..........on marriage
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Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .
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04/08/2006, 2:43 PM
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Delboy
Joined on 15/08/2003
Posts 5,089
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The vicar entered his donkey in a race and it won. The vicar was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: VICAR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES VICAR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the vicar to get rid of the donkey. The vicar decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: " NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. "
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer! Have a nice day
The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .
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04/08/2006, 8:09 PM
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Dek
Joined on 15/08/2003
Norwich
Posts 1,061
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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft
> >mechanics in Melbourne. > >
> >One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with
> >
> >
> >nothing to do.
> >
> >Dave said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
> >
> >Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
> >
> >
> >You wanna try it?"
> >
> >So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and
> >
> >get completely smashed.
> >
> >The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
> >
> >In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
> >
> >Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this
> >
> >morning?"
> >
> >Dave says, "I feel great, how about you?"
> >
> >Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
> >
> >Dave says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff-no hangover, nothing. We ought
> >
> >
> >to do this more often."
> >
> >"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
> >
> >"What's that?"
> >
> >"Have you farted yet?"
> >
> >"No."
> >
> >"Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.
> >
> >
Laugh, and the wife laughs with you. Snore and you`ll sleep alone.
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09/08/2006, 5:43 PM
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Matty
Joined on 29/01/2004
Vancouver Island, Canada
Posts 1,722
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A young lady goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee!
Comes with complete instructions!
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.
She whispers softly to the young man behind the counter, "I'll take
one."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she grabs the
instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does exactly what the instructions say:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and
allow the frog to follow its training.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her dismay,
nothing happens!
The girl is very disappointed and quite upset.
She grabs the instructions and rereads them and then notices at the
bottom of the page, in small print, it says, "If you have any
problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, she calls the pet store.
The same young man is still at work. When he hears her problem, he
says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The young lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything
according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly
into its eyes and sternly says:
"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more
time."
Matty
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14/08/2006, 1:55 PM
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Delboy
Joined on 15/08/2003
Posts 5,089
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Two from a survey on British humour
Best British joke
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You tell him off, I’ll hold your monkey.”
Top joke in England
Two weasels are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other. He screams: “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens for what the other weasel will say. The first again yells: “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” The other says: “Go home dad, you’re drunk.”
Source: British Association for the Advancement of Science LaughLab survey
The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .
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EDP24 Forums » EDP24 General » News » Joke of the day..........
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