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 14/06/2006, 12:41 AM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,578
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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The Lord Mayor of Melbourne is a gentleman of Chinese background called
John So. He is a popular character but does not have a very good
command of the English language.
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Melbourne and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his
new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
The Lord Mayor jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the
top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then
goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he
finishes the whole place goes wild.
The Lord Mayor jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord,play a Jazz chord".
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is,
dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B
flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild
with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The Lord Mayor jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly cheesed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK
smart ass. You get up here and do it."
The Lord Mayor climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing ...…………….
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......." A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you..."
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk
just a link, like Denise has.
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14/06/2006, 1:04 PM
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Delboy
 
Joined on 15/08/2003
Posts 5,089
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Nursery rhyme
Mary had a little lamb,
the doctor was surprised
The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .
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14/06/2006, 2:30 PM
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POG
Joined on 31/08/2003
Round and about
Posts 976
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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From somewhere in the depths of my memory from Boy Scout nights around the camp fire...
Mary had a little lamb
She ate it with mint sauce
Now everywhere that Mary goes
The lamb goes too, of course
"Pathetic," he said, "that's what it is. Pathetic."
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22/06/2006, 7:01 PM
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Matty
Joined on 29/01/2004
Vancouver Island, Canada
Posts 1,720
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Subject: Grandma's & court
Jurys should never ask a home town grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial in a small-town prosecuting lawyer called his first witness, a
grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again
replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in
the entire country. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
Matty
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23/06/2006, 10:13 AM
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Delboy
Joined on 15/08/2003
Posts 5,089
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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23/06/2006, 11:21 AM
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Derek
Joined on 15/08/2003
Posts 1,876
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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 Delboy wrote: | |
Nursery rhyme
Mary had a little lamb,
the doctor was surprised
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Old McDonnald had a farm
The doctor had a relapse
Derek
snafu - but by design
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23/06/2006, 7:44 PM
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Dek
Joined on 15/08/2003
Norwich
Posts 1,042
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Nursery Rhyme...... Mary had a little lamb
The butcher killed it dead,
And now she`s taking it to school
between two rounds of bread ! ![Crying [:'(]](/cs/emoticons/emotion-9.gif)
Laugh, and the wife laughs with you. Snore and you`ll sleep alone.
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23/06/2006, 10:39 PM
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keith gerrard
Joined on 16/04/2004
Posts 9,898
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Sorry but I cant hold back any longer.
Mary had a little lamb.
She kept it in a bucket
And every time the lamb jumped out
The others tried to put it back again.
Mary had a little lamb
It was full of fun and frolics
It tried to jump a five bar gate
And landed on its little leg.
Dream on keithgerrard@gerrard24.freeserve.co.uk
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24/06/2006, 8:28 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,578
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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England -vs- the rest of the world
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE ENGLISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be
warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper,
are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the
shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his
comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so
while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights
and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the
squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill
with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall
Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald
that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and
calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his
"fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner
London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to
the beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes are reassessed. He
is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as
builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine
for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to
work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be
socially mobile. The squirrels food is siezed and re distributed to the
more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and
utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had
hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country
of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport
because of Britains apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking
and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police
fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves
to return them to their own country were abandoned because it was
feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a
scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrels's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to
maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate
government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary
to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released
immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is
placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise
him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched
robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for
enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by
the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the
press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root
causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic
experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in
the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on
their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay
for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond
65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk
just a link, like Denise has.
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25/06/2006, 11:35 AM
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Dek
Joined on 15/08/2003
Norwich
Posts 1,042
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Well, Well Alan, That certainly was a `cracker` !
Laugh, and the wife laughs with you. Snore and you`ll sleep alone.
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27/06/2006, 2:36 PM
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Matty
Joined on 29/01/2004
Vancouver Island, Canada
Posts 1,720
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish priest,
"Father,it has been one month since mt last confession and I ve
sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month"
The priest tells the sinner,"You are forgiven.Go out and say
three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional.
"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have
sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'. "
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver
his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the
men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits
down in front of the Altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald
green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her
legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that
Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, .
I think it is just a reflection of her shoes, Father.
Matty
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30/06/2006, 1:39 PM
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rupert
Joined on 22/08/2003
Posts 1,964
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1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies, when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids, become.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM card or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
16. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting Send on an email by mistake)
17. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
18. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
Rupert
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02/07/2006, 6:09 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,578
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Re: A few new phrases ....
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Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk
just a link, like Denise has.
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02/07/2006, 6:12 PM
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Alan Hardesty
Joined on 15/05/2005
Norwich
Posts 1,578
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Paul McCartney getting interviewed about his marriage breakdown.
Interviewer: "Will you go down on one knee again?"
Macca: "I would prefer it if you called her Heather."
I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it.
For the truth go to www.bnp.org.uk
just a link, like Denise has.
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EDP24 Forums » EDP24 General » News » Joke of the day..........
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