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04/04/2006, 5:20 PM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... A wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love with a beautiful, sexy young lady!   "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing?  How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"   The husband replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"   "Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"   The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless  that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days.   With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.   While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years,  that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also  gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't  wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."     The husband continues his story . . . .   "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.   When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:   "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?" The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

06/04/2006, 7:36 PM Monkey Boy Joined on 06/01/2004 The edge of Breckland Posts 789 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... Rumors are said to be untrue that it will take 3 weeks to make the coffin for Gene Pitney from Oak, but only 24 hours from balsa…… I'm just a Chimp off the old block    Report

07/04/2006, 4:40 PM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the vicar came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.    The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.   The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.    The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.    Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter". The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

09/04/2006, 12:38 AM Monkey Boy Joined on 06/01/2004 The edge of Breckland Posts 789 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... Mummy potato has three daughters. As time goes by, the daughters, becoming of age, leave the nest (so to speak) and make their way out into the big wide world, promising mummy potato that they will return at the end of one year to tell how they had got on in life. At the end of one year the three daughter potatoes return, and mother potato asks of the first daughter potato; how did you get on in the big wide world? Very well, mummy potato, I married a nice King Edward potato. That’s lovely, replied mummy potato; you have married into a very good line of potato. Mummy potato then asks the second daughter potato how she had faired in the big wide world. Very well, mummy potato, I married a Jersey Royal potato. That’s lovely, replied mummy potato; you have also married into very good lineage. Mummy potato then asks her third daughter potato how she had done in the big wide world. Very well, mummy potato; I married Des Lynam. Oh no! Replied mummy potato; you have married a common-tator. I'm just a Chimp off the old block    Report

11/04/2006, 4:40 PM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... A woman and a  baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for  the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or  bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she  replied. "Well, strip down  to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.  He  pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight.  You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came" The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

12/04/2006, 8:58 AM Budgie Joined on 16/08/2003 Cromer Posts 1,060 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... So these two nuns and their Mother Superior died in an horrific car crash. They all end up outside the gates to Heaven and St Peter tells them they have to answer a question each before they are allowed in. He asks the first nun what was the name of the first man. 'Adam,' she replied. 'That's right,' says St Peter and opens the gates for her. He asks the second nun where Adam and Eve lived. 'The Garden of Eden,' she replies. 'Correct. You can come in.' He tells the Mother Superior that because of her exalted position her question would have to be harder. 'What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they met in the Garden of Eden?' Stroking her chin and thinking deeply the Mother Superior comments: 'That's a hard one.' 'Correct,' says St Peter and opens the gate for her. I might look darf but I ain't stuput!    Report

15/04/2006, 11:46 AM Budgie Joined on 16/08/2003 Cromer Posts 1,060 Re: Joke of the day.......... So this  blind man goes for an assignation with a lady of the night known for her willingness to entertain disabled gentlemen. After doing the business he lays there stroking the woman's naked skin - but got a surprise as the great number of bumps on her rump. 'What caused all those?' he asked. 'Don't worry,' came the reply. 'That's the price in braille!' I might look darf but I ain't stuput!    Report

21/04/2006, 7:00 PM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: Joke of the day.......... A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.   The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. YES”, said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant”.   Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container......... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM" The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

08/05/2006, 11:03 AM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: Joke of the day.......... From church bulletin boards:- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"   Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.   The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."  The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.   Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.   Please place your donation in  the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.   The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.   Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and  medication to follow.   This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

13/05/2006, 11:05 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: Joke of the day.......... A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."   Ain't that right ! Matty    Report

17/05/2006, 11:50 AM C C Joined on 21/08/2003 Posts 1,321 Re: Joke of the day..........    Report

31/05/2006, 2:27 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: Joke of the day.......... Recent research shows that there are seven kinds of sex: Number 1 is called Smurf Sex -            This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. Number 2 is called Kitchen Sex -            This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so excited you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. Number 3 is called Bedroom Sex -            This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. Number 4 is called Hallway Sex -             This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway  you both say "screw you." Number 5 is called Religious Sex -            That means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. Number 6 is called Courtroom Sex -            This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. Number 7 is called Social Security Sex -             You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.      Report

03/06/2006, 12:13 AM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: Joke of the day.......... Just to keep life in balance, and put a smile on some of our faces.   .  To: Subject: Fw: The Genie      While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found     a bottle on a beach and picked it up.         Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile       said  "Master, may I grant you one wish?"       "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am?        I  don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.      The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be    Returned to that bottle forever."      Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman      and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed    in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!"      The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.    The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with - Lorena Bobbitt,    Tonya Harding, and Condelisa Rice.        His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health    insurance.      Matty           Report

03/06/2006, 8:00 PM Raven Joined on 17/02/2004 East of Norwich, just! Posts 681 Re: Joke of the day..........  I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.    FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, but she eventually says "I don't feel like it, "I just want you to hold me."  I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"  So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"  Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out pair of diamond earrings.  Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.  I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.  Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled----WHAT?"   I then said "honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"  Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. Raven SELECT * from USERS where CLUE > 0 : Returned 0 results.    Report

11/06/2006, 3:56 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: Joke of the day.......... I liked the one about shopping Raven.  Very good !! Hope you all get a laugh out of this one. -------------------------------------------- after 45 years of marriage  A husband and wife go to see a marriage  counselor .  The counselor  asks  them what the problem is.  The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in  the 45 years they've  been married.  She goes on  and on and on and on and on.... for almost an hour.  Finally, the  counselor gets up, goes around the desk, and lifts  the woman out  of her seat.  He embraces her and kisses her passionately,  fondling her breasts  and rubbing her  buttocks.  The woman shuts up and sits down quietly in a  daze.  The counselor turns to the husband and  says, "That is what your wife  needs at least  three times a week. Can you do that?"  The husband  thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her  here Monday and Wednesday, but on weekends, I golf. Matty    Report

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