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19/11/2005, 7:17 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 RE: Joke of the day.......... Just for the ladies, I am sure the gentlemen on the forum don't do this, especially in this day and age.  Go hungry wouldn't you. Matty He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake. My biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked him... Like his Mother used to do.    Report

06/02/2006, 5:20 PM Monkey Boy Joined on 06/01/2004 The edge of Breckland Posts 789 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... The Hypnotist It was entertainment night at the senior citizens center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up  here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every  member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The  crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,-----  it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. Sh1t!" said the Hypnotist... It took three weeks to clean up the senior citizens center. I'm just a Chimp off the old block    Report

14/02/2006, 6:19 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't" she replied. "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said. Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working. In another week or so this old gal hits 70.  I feel much better having read this - it appears others have the same problems.  Those memories are lovely when you drag them up !! Matty    Report

14/02/2006, 7:06 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,651 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... An elderly couple were attending church when about halfway through the service she leans over and says to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?" Her husband leans over to her and replies, "When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid." I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf    Report

15/02/2006, 3:59 PM Alan Hardesty Joined on 15/05/2005 Norwich Posts 1,651 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... A poem I came across, no author named: Many, many years ago When I was twenty three I got married to a widow Who was as pretty as could be This widow had a daughter Who had hair of red My father fell in love with her And soon the two were wed This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life My daughter was my mother For she was my fathers wife To complicate the matters worse Although it brought me joy I soon became a father Of a bouncing baby boy My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad And so became my uncle Though it made me sad For if he was my uncle Then it also made him brother To the widows grown up daughter Who of course was my step mother Fathers wife then had a son Who kept them on the run And he became my grandson For he was my daughters son My wife is now my mothers mum And it surely makes me blue Because, athough she is my wife She is my grandma too If my wife is my grandmother Then I am her grandchild And every time I think of it It simply drives me wild For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw As the husband of my grandmother I am my own grandpa! I never stole your flag, I just rescued it from the gutter where you left it. For the truth go to http://www.bnp.org.uk/thumbs/Racism_Cuts_Both_Ways.pdf    Report

26/02/2006, 9:10 AM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... Mood swings by her indoors   My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a 'mood' ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.   When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.   When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead,   Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds. The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

08/03/2006, 12:08 PM Monkey Boy Joined on 06/01/2004 The edge of Breckland Posts 789 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... America has entered the Global war against the spread of Avian Flu. George W Bush has bombed the Canary Islands   ..................... Watch out Turkey !!! I'm just a Chimp off the old block    Report

10/03/2006, 3:28 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... A farmer and his son from the country were in a shopping arcade for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen a lift before) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."  While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat ugly old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Quickly - Go get your mother." Matty      Report

11/03/2006, 7:01 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... I am sure I am not teaching old boys new tricks, but this one is worth remembering chaps. Paddy comes home from the pub totally smashed, can hardly get the key in the door, trips over the step, trips over the dog, trips over the kids' toys, staggers into the kitchen, tries to make a cup of coffee to sober up, spills the water on the floor, spills the sugar on the table, gives up, stumbles up the stairs, knocks over an ornament on the landing, crashes against the bedroom door, falls insides, shrugs off his clothes, collapses into bed beside his wife and falls asleep. Next morning, he wakes with a crashing hang-over and realises the terrible state he'd been in the night before. He fears the worse from his wife, but no - on the bedside table, there's a steaming cup of coffee waiting for him. He puts on his dressing gown and braves the stairs and the kitchen - to find a cooked breakfast waiting for him. His wife has already left for work, so he asks his daughter: "Was oi a little bit the worse for wear last noight?" "That you were, father," she replies.I "And what did your mother have to say?"   "Well, she said that when you got into bed last night, she put her arm round you and you said: 'Get off, you hussy; oi'm a happily married man'". Loved it !! Matty    Report

16/03/2006, 5:44 PM Delboy Joined on 15/08/2003 Posts 5,089 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... More from school days A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can  go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and  sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop  the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that  means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.... The EXPERT knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing .    Report

21/03/2006, 7:00 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... I am not knocking the Irish, I love them dearly.  These lot were told to me by an Irishman, who even had them written down. And Delboy, your school boy third and then fifth grade was absolutely hilarious.  Matty.   Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does. Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?" Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room." Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantlepiece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time." Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A. A bachelor. Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home. Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'." "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!" The subject of sex came up and immediately the Irishman related this one;- Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?    Report

27/03/2006, 8:48 AM Dek Joined on 15/08/2003 Norwich Posts 1,061 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... Here`s one for the younger ones on these threads I am not implying anything about anybody's age - I just thought this was very cute!     Old Geezers Turn up the sound.  Some darned good pickin here.  I thought this was so good I wanted to share it with everyone, Old Geezer or not. Hey, if the shoe fits.................... The government says I am one and sends me money every month. Think I am going to argue with tha? Old Geezers                                                                                    OLD GEEZERS "Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot: At sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem, Old Geezers remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.   Old Geezers remember the Depression, World War II, Dieppe, Vimy Ridge, the White Cliffs of Dover and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War 1950-53-55, The Cold War, the many Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing.                            If you bump into an old geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.  Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth on TV or in movies. Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren. This world needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need them now more than ever!              Thank God for Old Geezers! Pass this on to all the Old Geezers you Laugh, and the wife laughs with you. Snore and you`ll sleep alone.    Report

27/03/2006, 11:05 AM Dek Joined on 15/08/2003 Norwich Posts 1,061 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... Oh dear, sorry about the graphics and sound at least the words are there ! I received it from Aussie this morning.     Laugh, and the wife laughs with you. Snore and you`ll sleep alone.    Report

29/03/2006, 6:13 PM Matty Joined on 29/01/2004 Vancouver Island, Canada Posts 1,722 Re: RE: Joke of the day..........       Subject: Fw: Grandma Doesn't Know Everything........        Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.  He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"      She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.  "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."   Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.   A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse!   It's called Bunk Beds!"  "and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"!!   Matty      Report

04/04/2006, 4:45 PM Para Handy Joined on 28/03/2005 Isle of Gigha Posts 323 Re: RE: Joke of the day.......... Hope you can understand the accent. Glesga Vasectomy..... After having their 11th child [ Pocahontas Brittany Larsson O'Neill ], a Glesga couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want any more children [WUR NO WANTIN ONY MAIR WEANS, SO WUR NO]. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative said the doctor is to go home, get a firework banger available from most east end corner shops all year round, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. The Glesga Ned said to the doctor, Ah might no be the sharpest tool in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firwork in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans. Trust me, said the doctor. So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,.... at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure is available on the NHS, by the way, and works in Norwich North, and South.  "Is fhearr fheuchainn na bhith san duil" "It's better to try than to hope" Gaelic proverb    Report

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