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 05/03/2004, 8:08 PM
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grumpy
Joined on 16/02/2004
Posts 85
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Joke of the day..........
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Wife to husband, 'Darling, would you like some breakfast'?
Husband,'No thanks honey, the viagra has taken the edge off my appetite'
Wife (four hours later) 'Darling, how about a nice bowl of broth for dinner'?
Husband, 'No thanks honey, the viagra has taken the edge off my appetite'
Wife (five hours later) 'Darling, how about a nice plate of fish and chips for tea'?
Husband, 'No thanks honey, the viagra continues to take the edge off my appetite'
Wife, 'Then for heavens sake, get off me, I'm ruddy starving'
Blame it on Barbie.
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05/03/2004, 8:53 PM
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Greenman
Joined on 01/03/2004
Middlesex
Posts 91
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Nice one grumpy!!!!!!!!
Middlesex by birth,
Norfolk where family roots run deep!
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05/03/2004, 11:41 PM
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Keith Gerrard
Joined on 14/08/2003
Posts 1,589
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Grumpy standing by the edge of a railway platform.
Man says, Grumpy, dont stand so close the train will suck you off
Grumpy says, come on da' train.
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06/03/2004, 8:47 AM
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grumpy
Joined on 16/02/2004
Posts 85
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Keith, that was about as subtle, as a lump hammer. Anyway it was a mail train and I'm hetro.....
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06/03/2004, 2:05 PM
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rupert
Joined on 22/08/2003
Posts 1,964
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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A pharmaceutical company in Phuket, SE Asia, has increased production of Viagra to meet the expected demand in the US should they have problems with the presidential elections this year.
Rupert
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07/03/2004, 8:33 AM
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Budgie
Joined on 16/08/2003
Cromer
Posts 1,059
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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So this man was shipwrecked together with his dog.
After several months on the island without a woman the man looked around for a suitable substitute and decided that a hole in a coconut tree, surrounded by coconut matting might do the trick.
But every time he moved near the tree the dog flew for him. This lasted for 20 years until, following another storm, the man noticed a body on the edge of the water.
She was a gorgeous-looking model and after a bit of artificial perspiration she came round. She discovered the man had been on the island for 20 years without a woman and he had saved her life. 'I will do anything to show my gratitude for saving my life. Anything,' she said seductively.
'Really?' replied the man. 'Well, just take that ruddy dog for a walk, will you?'
I might look darf but I ain't stuput!
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07/03/2004, 8:38 AM
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Budgie
Joined on 16/08/2003
Cromer
Posts 1,059
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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So the Earl of Longleat asked his daughter what she wanted for her 21st birthday.
'A zebra,' she replied.
'Zebra? But we have all those animals out there! Won't they do?'
No the daughter insisted, so the Earl went on expedition and brought back a zebra for the girl's 21st birthday. She loved it, decided to call it Eric and let it loose on the park.
Trotting round the zebra came across a pig - an animal he had never seen before. He introduced himself, said he was new and wanted to know what this animal was.
'A pig,' came the reply.
'Pig? What do you do?' He was told that a pig grubbed around, got fat and the master killed a couple off each year and ate them. 'My word, you do a wonderful job.' I am very pleased to have met you. Bye, bye.' And off he trotted.
This happened all morning. He met a cow, a chicken, and a sheep - all animals he had never seen before. Then he came across a field with a snorting bull in the middle. Up he trotted.
'Hello, my name is Eric. I am knew round here. What do you do?'
'Take your ruddy pyjamas off and I will show you!' came the reply.
I might look darf but I ain't stuput!
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07/03/2004, 6:10 PM
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Matty
 
Joined on 29/01/2004
Vancouver Island, Canada
Posts 1,721
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Thanks for the jokes chaps really enjoyed that one! They will do the rounds at the University tomorrow.
Keith William (Matty's favourite Grandson. Vancouver Island)
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07/03/2004, 7:08 PM
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grumpy
Joined on 16/02/2004
Posts 85
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Phooh! sorry I'm late, just got home from work, made all the more bearable by the 'humbling' of them 'pretenders' from down the road.
This bloke had been dating this girl for about six months, before the 'inevitable'. Un-beknown to hime, she had an artificial leg. Anyway, well into the 'inevitable,' he remarked, "Where's your other leg dear", "On the mantlepiece", she replied. "Well", he said,"You do not have to open them that wide".
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07/03/2004, 10:41 PM
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Keith Gerrard
Joined on 14/08/2003
Posts 1,589
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Sir Paul Mcartney wont love you for that one Grumpy.
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08/03/2004, 2:50 PM
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kenneth
Joined on 14/08/2003
Posts 1,101
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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Forgive me if you've heard this one:
George W. Bush's library was burnt down last night
Both books were burnt to ashes
The real tragedy though was that he hadn't finished colouring one of them.
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08/03/2004, 7:26 PM
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Greenman
Joined on 01/03/2004
Middlesex
Posts 91
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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There was a young fellow from Norwich
Who like having sex with his porridge.
With sugar and cream
And a buttery scream -
(The leftovers went into storage.)
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
There was an old woman of Norwich,
Who lived upon nothing but porridge;
Parading the town,
Made a cloak of her gown,
This thrifty old woman of Norwich.
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
There was a young man of Kings Lynn
Who was so exceedingly thin
That when he essayed
Making love to a maid
He slipped on the mat and fell in!
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
The sharp-scented Bishop of Cromer
Was awarded a special diploma
For telling apart
A masculine fart
From a similar female aroma.
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There was an Old Person of Cromer
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Middlesex by birth,
Norfolk where family roots run deep!
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11/03/2004, 7:24 PM
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Greenman
Joined on 01/03/2004
Middlesex
Posts 91
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Re: Joke of the day..........
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THE POPE VISITS EAST ANGLIA
The Pope vists East Anglia, and Bernard Matthews goes to see him. Bernard says "You may not know me, but I am the biggest turkey farmer in Europe, and I need your help."
The Pope says "Speak my child; if I can guide you, I will".
Bernard says "All I want is one word; if you change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily turkey', it will stick in people's minds. Frequency of turkey purchase will go up and I'll be sorted.
The pope shakes his head. "The Lord's prayer is a great unshakeable tradition of the church; we couldn't possibly change it".
Bernard says "OK, OK, I'll give you 15 million a year for 12 years"
The pope starts to soften "Well...I suppose we could change it to 'give us this day our daily bread AND turkey'..."
Bernard gets desparate and pleads. "Look, this is my best offer. 20 million pounds a year for the first five years, then going up by five million pounds a year, and so on each five years, for 20 years. That's really the best I can do."
The pope smiles at Bernard and says "I shall help you. Go in peace". The two shake on it to seal the deal, and Bernard leaves.
The next day the pope returns to the Vatican, and immediately calls a gathering of the cardinals. They gather together and the Pope says "I've got good news, and bad news. The good news is I've got us 20 million pounds a year..."
A gasp echoes round the chamber, and one cardinal says "That is excellent your holiness, but what's the bad news?"
The pope replies, "We've lost the Hovis account."
Middlesex by birth,
Norfolk where family roots run deep!
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