Carlos Soria ate my hamster
It’s been a long time since I genuinely upset anyone with my writing. At least, with my English writing. I genuinely upset someone with my Spanish writing not so long ago. I would go into details, but it would involve translating tedious amounts of bile, and I can’t be bothered to sully your day. Trust me, it’s not laziness on my part; it really wouldn’t be worth it.
Since I no longer have the freedom of the pages of the EDP and Evening News from which to irritate and offend readers, and I only infrequently update here, I’ve had to launch my own organ of free expression. It’s called The Bum, a one-sheet red top with a circulation of one (VFD). It’s loosely modelled on The Sun and The Star in terms of layout, and features inane stories based on in jokes and happenings at school. It’s not very widely read, but I derive great satisfaction from doing it, and it’s always a happy moment when I stick the new edition up on the window next to my desk.
To mark the end of term, the poor editorial staff at The Bum had to go in to overdrive to push out a two-page Christmas special in time for the last day of classes. Keyboards burned red hot with totally unsubstantiated stories about student dictionary confusion and Rio Ferdinand being spotted in Patagonia (our history teacher braided his hair, and for 48 hours bore a staggering resemblance to the Man U back marker). There was a dramatic splash about the dumbing down of education, and a competition to find the town’s straightest teeth.
Those weren’t the problem. It was the article about the town’s mayor, Carlos Soria, eating a teenager’s pet hamster when it failed to vote for him in the recent elections which seems to have caused a ruckus. The mayor himself probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid. I’m assuming that he has a politician’s thick skin, and has anyway been accused of worse things than eating a child’s hamster. The objection, as always, has been sparked by a lawyer. The eagle-eyed sleuth read the piece and by means of his mangled English took it to be about the mayor’s son, also Carlos, who happens to be the school communications officer. It's too delicious.
Such acts of sedition cannot go unchallenged, so even though most people who have read the rag honestly and understandably don't get what the hell it's going on about, apparently there's enough cause for concern for me to have to defend it at staff meetings. Tss, bloody lawyers, always bloody meddling. Still, you know what they say: never let the law get in the way of a good story. Hang on, that should be “the truth”. Oh well, it’s a while since I let that trouble me too.