Heidi's New York diary

Little puddles...

heidiking@hotmail.com — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 17:49:00 GMT

It's now the end of August, 2 months since I came back from New York where I had the 'SpeechEasy' device fitted to ease my severe stammer. I can remember so vividly my first day back at work. Most of us can relate to the feeling of dread at the prospect of going back to work after having a fantastic holiday, but this felt different, because I felt different. I did not know the Heidi who did not stammer as much, who did not take as long to get her words out. What would people think and how would people respond?

I need not have worried, the people who knew me the best were more interested in finding out what New York was like rather than asking about my speech. This surprised me, for something that was at the fore front of my mind, people almost forgot to ask. I don't for one minute think it was out of rudelness but perhaps this part of me, my stammer, was of little importance to them. When I brought up the SpeechEasy device people immediately brought up the dramatic impact it had on my speech. For those who knew me less well, I only had to say "how are you?" without stammering for them to throw their arms around me and express their pleasure at the success of the device.

But ofcourse I still stammer, always will, but 99% of the time it is less of a struggle. The stammers are little puddles to hop over rather than great rivers to wade through. I wear the 'SpeechEasy' device about 8-9 hours a day. I usually take it out for one full day per week I take it out because I do still have to work at my speech when I am waering the device, and sometimes I just can't be bothered! I have to tune into it throughout the day and actively listen to the little voice in my left ear. I still practice daily - morning and evening. There are times when life gets in the way, the pressure of the situation or the background noise is too great for the speech system in my brain to cope with, and I do slip back into those life long habits of struggling and pushing through each word.

In general, it's nice to arrive home from work with my body feeling relaxed knowing that I haven't spent the day contorting my face and upper body, struggling to speak. Actually now I love talking more than ever (my friends found it difficult to shut me up in the past! Now its impossible!!!!!!) In the last month I've joined a speakers club to try to improve my public speaking skills and the other day I decided to return to my doctoral course in Clinical Psychology next term. Life is good x x x

I'm dreaming of bagels and waffles!

heidiking@hotmail.com — Sun, 25 Jun 2006 09:57:00 GMT

Morning all! I'm back in the UK. It is 11am British time - 6am New York time and I've already been up 2 hours! I am not happy! No, no thats a lie - I'm happy at the prospect of seeing everyone (and coming back to work ofcourse!!!!) but feel like I need at least another couple of hours sleep (and a trip to the NY deli on the corner of Broadway and 50th St!)

I'm just overwhelmed and touched by everyones support, thoughts, prayers and kind words. It's you lot - my friends, family and people out there thinking of me that have made the beginning of this incredible journey possible and bearable. Thank you. x

Learning a new language

heidiking@hotmail.com — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 03:46:00 GMT

How can I accurately describe the amazing experiences I’ve had in the last few days?

On Monday I picked up my very own ‘SpeechEasy’ device. Almost as soon as the battery was inserted, I felt the struggle of speaking quite literally lift from my shoulders. The enormity of it did not hit me straight away. I can remember that it was only after about 15 minutes – when a single stammer hadn’t crept in that I broke down in tears and realized for the first time in my life I didn’t have to actively try to get my words out. My body felt relaxed and I noticed that I had sunk into the back of the chair. My speech could keep up with my thoughts.

The experience in John’s (Speech Pathologist) office was unnerving. I slept erratically that night for thoughts of what this new device could mean for me.

Tuesday was a very odd day. As strange as it may seem I couldn’t quite believe the events of the previous day and believe in the power of the tiny device. Surely enough it worked almost as perfectly over breakfast when I was chatting to my Dad. It was only later when I started to get out into the hustle and bustle of the real world that my speech started to break down. I suppose it was a combination of factors – I couldn’t put 100% concentration into my speech (New York is noisy, fast and crazy!), self consciousness (how do I come across when I am speaking fluently?), and perhaps most importantly I’ve had 21 years practice of stammering and one afternoon of fluency!

Today (Wednesday) I am finding it easier. My confidence in the device is growing. Even though the effect at times feels effortless, I have to learn to keep tuned into the device and concentrate on modifying any stammers as they appear.

I feel like I have to learn to speak another language (the language of fluency), that I have had little experience in using. I suppose I just have to have faith in myself that I will become more accustomed to and comfortable with the delights that this new language will bring.

Am I dreaming?

heidiking@hotmail.com — Sun, 18 Jun 2006 20:51:00 GMT

Today I got a jolt back to reality, I have just realised that it is tomorrow that I pick up the 'Speecheasy' device. Time is passing really quickly I didn't realise it was so soon! It doesn't seem real in many ways.

Every day I have to pinch myself that I am here in New York. I feel like I am constantly on a movie set! The views are spectacular. There are so many buildings and streets that I have seen a million times before at the cinema or on the TV, it all feels so familiar - 42nd St, 5th Avenue, Empire State, The Flatiron Building. Today I went to the Statue of Liberty! It was amazing to see in the flesh. Tomorrow morning before my appointment at 1pm I am going up the Empire State Building! I don't know whether I will actually be able to comcentrate on the views of this amazing city as I think my mind will be too focused on the fitting of the device.

doing nothing!

heidiking@hotmail.com — Wed, 14 Jun 2006 16:46:00 GMT

Thank you all for your lovely comments. They bring a smile to my face and a little tear to my eye.

I having a relaxing few days, its nice to get in the pool and read a few books (not actually in the pool! You know what I mean!). Weather is hot (but not as hot as in London I hear!) Keep meaning to write you all postcards but at this rate they will arrive after I am back.

BBC are coming out on Saturday. Not sure how I'm feeling about that. I know they are going to make me do some silly things like order a burger off of a burger stand and order a yellow cab. If these things appear natural on screen - just think of the 40 hours that it takes to make a 10 minute programme! Whops perhaps I wasn't suppose to give away their secrets! I'm dreading that spot that is going to pop up on saturday morning! Do you reckon they have air brushing facilities at the BBC?! Enough of my waffling! Lots of love Hx

Worries....

heidiking@hotmail.com — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 15:14:00 GMT

Why am I worrying? I'm in beautiful New York - sun, shopping, amazing sights, friendly people, food (wow - think I'm going to put on quite a lot of weight out here! I guess that just means more shopping so that can't be bad!)

I suppose there is so much to think about and take in. It is all a bit overwhelming. The consultation on Monday was great and the effect on my speech was instant and dramatic. However after a couple of hours a fair number of stammers did creep in and it took a lot - as always to control them. That's ok - I've stammered all my life, I'm used to stammering, it's no big deal but I don't want another short term quick fix. To get my hopes up only to be dashed again. I just don't want to be a person who views their life through their stammer, always concentrating on controlling and modifying their speech. I'd rather just get on with life. Hopefully I can find the balance.

It looks like the 'Speecheasy' will be another step of my journey and not the final chapter.

The Big Apple!

heidiking@hotmail.com — Tue, 06 Jun 2006 22:28:00 GMT

So here I am... New York City at last! I had my first consultation yesterday. It went pretty well! Before I launch into that for those who don't know me I had better introduce myself. I'm 25, grew up in Billericay in Essex (no Essex jokes please!) but am now living and working in Norwich, Norfolk. I work for Age Concern Norfolk on a research and information giving project for older family carers. In my spare time I love dancing - I'm currently quite into Tango! I enjoy meeting my friends, going shopping, eating, drinking - all the usual stuff! I like seeing new places and travelling.

Anyway back to New York. As I was saying I had my first consultation with a Speech Pathologist here on Madison Avenue (opp the Empire State Building!) After recounting the history of stammering in my family and telling him about every speech therapist I had seen since the age of four, I tried out the 'SpeechEasy Device.' It consists of a tiny device - like a modern hearing aid worn in the ear canal. It changes the way I hear the rate and tone of my own voice. We spent some time getting the settings just right for my pattern of speaking.

It seemed to have quite remarkable initial effects on my stammer. It was quite a strange (and relaxing) experience! So.... now that it has been established that I am compatible for the device - I've decided to go ahead (3,100 pounds for the device!) I had a mould of my inner ear canal this morning, and now the order has been placed. I pick it up in two weeks time!

Thanks for all the sponsorship guys! I really couldn't have done it without you. Bye for now......x

2 days to go...

heidiking@hotmail.com — Fri, 02 Jun 2006 12:31:00 GMT

OK own up..... who is making the clock go slower?! It really should be Sunday by now - the day I fly to New York but its only Friday and I have another 3 hours left of work! On the other hand, how did the months fly by so quickly? It was only 6-8 months ago that I found out about the 'SpeechEasy' device, and now I'm actually going!

In the beginning I was sceptical. How can a device inserted into your ear change the way your brain works and consequently change the way you speak? After attending a lecture on the ‘SpeechEasy' with my Speech Therapist, discussing it with professionals and reading research papers I still have a lot of unanswered questions. Initial research is showing that it can be quite effective for people who have a severe stammer and using it in certain speaking situations, where there is less pressure on the speech system might enable a high degree of fluency.

However what does having smooth, easy, fluent speech feel like? I think a lot of people take it granted without thinking about it. Will I be able to find out in New York?

4 days to go........

heidiking@hotmail.com — Wed, 31 May 2006 12:35:00 GMT

I've got a million and one things to do before I leave for New York on Sunday. I keep on trying to trick myself into thinking that this is just going to be like any other holiday. I know its not going to be and corny as it sounds, this trip may change my life..............

I'm off to New York to try out an experimental new treatment for the stammer I have had since I was three years old. I've had speech therapy all my life. A lot of it has been very helpful. It has taught me the coping skills to manage my disability on a day to day basis. However sometimes I just wish it wouldn't have to be such a struggle every time I open my mouth to speak. Hopefully this new treatment may ease that physical struggle to some degree. But should I risk getting my hopes up?